May 2020

These are all my entires for May 2020.

May 31 2020

I'd like to thank "Blue" for leaving a kind comment on my guestbook. Thank you so much.
Today's rant is based off something I saw online. "Suicide is the cowards' way out." It's not. It's brave for someone to kill themself,
because they were selfless and didn't make anyone worry about them. They choose to do what they want, and not what others want.
I've come to terms with myself that there's no point in living until old age. What's the point of living this miserable life for so long just to die in a snap? It's just wasted time.
I just want to die now, and not waste all my time later. I'd rather just float in space and cry forever.
I don't know how anyone can stand me. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just feel horrible all the time.
I feel sick, I feel sad, I feel angry, but I feel like I live in serenity. I want to know what the fuck is wrong with me. I want to know what I can fix.
I'm sure that nobody would even notice if I killed myself. The only people who'd notice are the ones who realized that my journal entries stopped here.
I'll be forgotten, and I'm okay with that. Also: Mini-rant. On the subreddit for Twenty One Pilots, they keep saying "stay alive".
That's cringey as fuck. Stop.

May 30 2020

So. I'd like to say for the record that I have not done anything wrong. I have voiced my thoughts, opinions and ideas. Free speech is not a crime.
I haven't threatened to hurt anyone or anything, and I don't even plan to (looking at you, Danielle).
This blog is a place for me to share things that I'm afraid to share IRL, and if you get the police involved just because some YouTuber told you to, that's kinda sad.
I haven't broken any laws, threatened any people directly, or glorified people who've done horrible shit. I don't condone that shit.
I wish you guys would listen to me, and some of you do, but the majority don't thanks to RtG. She didn't send you here to witch hunt. You sent yourself here.
You're not a hero. You're not doing the world a favor by reporting me, as I've done nothing wrong.
You think I've done something wrong because of why you came here. That's not true.
Me and a few of my friends here on NeoCities haven't done anything to you, or done anything wrong in general.
Yet, you're threatening us. You're trying to dox us. You're trying to report us. You're trying to censor us.
Please just leave us alone. We don't want to argue with you. I know most of you are just gonna look at this and think that you're still right.
That's narcissistic thinking. Please just stop being so selfish.

May 29 2020

I’m not making this for no reason. Some judgmental POS named Karen...I mean Danielle left something on my guestbook that pissed me off,
so Danielle, you’re welcome. I never used or plan to use my depression or suicide as an excuse for being a “terrible person”.
I hate that shit. I literally wrote about how I hate people who do that. Go read the fucking post from the 21st.
I know you took a glance at my site and made your judgement based off that. You know that’s just a cheap shot.
I don’t condone what any mass killers did. I’m not that fucking dumb. I doubt you’re even reading this, but fuck it.
I don’t give a shit. Read the whole damn thing before you want to fuckin judge me.
I know I'm a terrible person. You don't have to remind me. I don't post shit glorifying killers or threatening people directly.
Grow up or go home. Get the fuck outta here, RtG SIMP!.
Also, you spelled threatening wrong. VERY FUCKIN PROFESSIONAL.
Danielle, I have your IP. So there's that.

May 28 2020

I’m pissed off. A YouTuber named Ready to Glare made a video on sickgirl’s page.
She sent a witch-hunt over there and her community took it too far.
They’ve been threatening anyone in the TCC or with a similar page to sickgirl. That’s bullshit.
You guys should be more mature with the power you were given. You’re not some vigilante hero by doing that shit.
You’re just invading our community and ruining it. Fuck off. Nobody gives a shit.
I’m not taking this site down, even if you show up to my house and put a gun to my head. I don’t give a shit.
Leave us alone and go back to harassing Jake Paul or someone who actually deserves it. Get the fuck out of here and don’t come back.
She shouldn’t have made the video. She brought almost 550k people to here, when she could have just stayed quiet and reported it.
Now, you all are ruining neocities for everyone. I know everyone is combing over every site so they can ‘report’ it so a video will be made on it.
I’m not retarded. You’re stirring up shit cus you want attention and because we want to express ourselves.
That’s manipulative, selfish, and low of you. You’re treating us all like criminals. I’ll admit it. My site is edgy, I know. But that doesn’t mean I’m a criminal.
I didn’t threaten anybody. I never encouraged doing something illegal. It’s a load of shit.
I’m sorry for sickgirl and any of the other sites that were affected by this selfish witch-hunting bullshit.
If any of you (and not these vigilante fucktards) want to reach out to me my discord is on the main page.

May 27 2020

I'm tired of being alive. Every day I get closer to death.
I want to know why everyone loves life so much. There's no excuse for me to live.
I have nothing to live for. Being cooped up indoors for nearly 3 months has shown me how little friends I actually have.
I've probably only spoken to about 20 people in 3 months, and only 3 or so actually are true friends of mine.
I don't get why people just love being alive. It's nothing to be happy about. The world is fucked and so are all the people on it.
I don't know how they can't realize that. Anyway. I'm looking at a 1997 4runner for sale and I'm really fucking excited.
Short entry today, I know. I'm sorry. Let you all down again.

May 26 2020

It's not that I want to die, I deserve it, but if anything, I want to live. To be completely honest, I'm just done being 'me'.
I can't achieve anything of worth. My standards were too fucking high. I grew up as a privileged individual:
I could have done so much more with the hand I was dealt. Instead, I just fell into the pit of self-loathing and ineptitude.
Every minute I say to myself that I want to die. I say it so damn much that it might as well become my motto.
However, I know that just saying it over and over is just codeword for "I just want to be special", "I want to be needed by someone",
"I want to be important", and "I just want to be wanted". I don't have any of those things.
I just want to be loved by someone, anyone, I get nothing but the cold shoulder from the people I thought loved me most.
Falling short of every expectation of mine, and the expectations set by others is just heartbreaking for me.
I don't have any control over anything anymore. The only things I can control is eating and lying so people don't worry about me.
Feeling unimportant, helpless and alone at my age, in this era of social suicide, is basically a death row sentence.
I should be punished with death by firing squad. I don't deserve the luxury of living.
I'm just not good enough for anything. When I say I want to die, it's not because of something that happened to me.
It's because of something that I couldn't do. I let everybody down in everything I do. I don't deserve to be happy.
I don't deserve to live. I was given every opportunity to succeed and I failed every time. I didn't deserve those chances.
I didn't deserve life. Life was like a trial in an everlasting court case. I lost. I deserve to die.
I plead guilty. I want the maximum sentence: to be sentenced to death.

May 25 2020

I want to die so god damn much. I have literally nothing to live for.
I feel sick all the time now because I don't eat enough, but when I do it I feel sick. I honestly wonder why I haven't killed myself yet.
I'm tired 24/7 and just can't be bothered to do jack shit anymore. I have constant headaches and migraines, and those make my head feel like it's in a hydraulic press.
There's so much wrong with me, but there's just a thread of me that keeps me alive somehow.
I still want to just go up into the woods and shoot myself in the face with a shotgun, but there's a part of me that doesn't.
I just hate being me. I'm a horrible person who's super narcissistic and retarded.
All day every day I'm just thinking about death. There's so much shit wrong with me.
I'm like a toy that a child has. I started out pristine and nice looking.
But over time, the toy starts to break and eventually falls apart. I think that's a good analogy.

May 24 2020

I hate how much I write in this shit. I'm probably just annoying everyone cus I write every day that I want to die.
The fact I exist is just disgusting. I'm sorry. I'm pretty fuckin dumb writing these for the entire internet to see,
but nobody irl takes me seriously. I'm just too fucking annoying. My life is full of rage and stress, but I can never manage it enough.
I just want to blow my brain with the damn shotgun.
I'd be so fuckin happy, I'd be free. I just waste everyone's time with this shit. I used to talk about myself too much, and then I stopped.
I'm using this instead. I had a whole conversation last night about this.
I'd rather just devote the little time I have left to helping others than wasting it on my useless self. I don't have anything going for me.
My life is shit. I have hardly any friends. I'm fuckin starving myself because that's one of the last things I have any fuckin control of.
I've tried cutting, but I can't hide that shit when someone I know fuckin comes over. I'm just a damnass huge liar.
There's so much shit I haven't ever told anyone. I just don't think you'd want to waste your time reading it. I'm sorry.

May 23 2020

So I want to die and shit, right. I was thinking that it's kinda pathetic of me considering that like for example
a guy who lives in a trailer park with an abusive mother, and they're depressed and all, that makes sense to me. But on the other hand,
I had a pretty decent childhood and I have some of the shit that I want, yet I'm depressed and I want to die...
I don't think it's fair to everyone else who actually has a valid reason to feel how they do.
Whereas I don't have anything that I can actually be depressed about.
It'll probably sound insensitive and all that shit but I really didn't want to seem like that but it's just how I feel about it.
I'm just afraid that I have no valid reason to feel the way I do at all, but still, I feel like I'm fucking with myself and pretending to be suicidal.
I don't know if I'm lying, and it makes me feel horrible just thinking about all this shit because I don't know what's true or not or even if it's justified.
I don't know anymore. Am I being petty? Am I just tricking myself? I have no fucking clue.

May 22 2020

Today's 'entry' isn't a rant for once.
I finished watching The End of the Fucking World last night, and let me tell you, it was phenomenal.
I loved how they just ran away from their shit town, something I'd like to do someday.
I wouldn't break into someone's house and kill them, but I love how free they were.
I don't have as many things I could do, like how they tried to go to Alyssa's dad's. I couldn't do that.
I'm glad they got together in the end, but I wish Bonnie had killed herself. She was such a bitch.
I loved when they ditched her at the pharmacy, but she really deserved to die. When she imagined killing them it broke my heart.
When James' got released, I liked how his dad was trying to be nice, but when he died it made me feel sad.
I also liked how James sorta just slept in his car for a few months, again, something I'd want to do but under different circumstances.
Anyway, I'd rate the show a 10/10. Go give it a watch if you like action/teenage romance things.

May 21 2020

I just watched the first episode of a Netflix Original called The End of the Fucking World. I'm literally James...with a few changes.
Switch out the desire to kill things with killing myself and he's literally me. You know what I hate?
People who use shit against them as excuses. Like I know a kid who got into some murky shit and he blamed it on autism.
That doesn't excuse what you did, dickbag. You shouldn't have been let back. I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE WHO DO THAT SHIT!
GROW THE FUCK UP AND OWN UP TO YOUR SHIT! Fucker should be shot. He is so fucking incompetent and childish.
Doesn't deserve jackshit that people give him. He deserves to live in a cardboard box under an overpass in rural Wisconsin.
Fucker shouldn't even be a member of society with the shit he's pulled. "Oh sorry, I'm autistic." So what? You sexted a minor then blamed it on that?
FUCK YOU! Bitchass cunt! I hate him so much. I want to take a utility knife and slit his throat and leave him for dead in a junkyard.
Nobody will ever find him. He doesn't deserve to be found. He deserves to be dead.

May 20 2020

I have a fuckin guestbook for a reason. I want people to use it. I enjoyed reading the two comments I have.
Fuckin say "Hi" at least! Anyway, fuck social justice warriors. They do nothing.
They're fucking wastes of oxygen that don't deserve to live. If you're gonna complain about shit then WHY DON'T YOU GO FIX IT YOU DUMB FUCK?
YOU DO NOTHING FOR SOCIETY! I get it when people complain but when some SJW goes apeshit and complains that they don't want
to wear a mask so they shoot the employee of a Waffle House, (savage) it means nothing. What the fuck are you trying to prove?
You do nothing but just show to everyone else how worthless you are. You're not the fucking president, you're a worthless fucking rat.
SJWs should have their own website where nobody has to listen to their shit. Nobody wants to in the first place. They have nothing important to say.
Fuckers should fuckin realize by now that the shit they spew isn't any different than the dick they blew.

May 19 2020

Driving is the scariest fucking thing. I nearly got sideswiped by some jackass in a coal roller going 80 in a 65. That's fucking terrifying.
Them retards need to follow the rules better. I follow the damn speed limits. I don't get why everyone is in so much of a hurry.
I hate driving with other cars but it's one of the few things that I really enjoy.
If I were able to, I'd just drive up into the mountains and camp by myself for a week in the back of some 4runner,
but since I'm a broke high school student, another one of my fucking dreams just falls flat in my face. I hate a lot of things about driving though.
Coal Rollers? They suck. I hope they choke on that C02. Karens in Suburbans and Tahoes to keep their precious fucking kids safe, that's another.
I also hate the tuners that just fly past with their dumb aftermarket exhaust blaring. There's so much I just despise about it.
But then again, it's rewarding to have that much control. For example, I was going the speed limit (80) down a road earlier.
I could have killed myself so easy, yet I chose not to. Why? I don't know. Maybe it just goes to show I might not be as desperate for death as I think I am.
Just another mystery in a sea of murky shit that is my life.

May 18 2020

Every day I find myself wondering what the experience of death is like. I really want to know.
Sometimes what I think it's like changes depending on how I'm feeling. I really just want it to be me and all the other shit people in the world just floating alone in darkness.
All the good people deserve to go to someplace pretty where they belong. I don't want to be there.
I want to float and just be by myself in a sea of nothingness. Horrible people like me fuckin belong there. Maybe I'll be allowed to switch if I ever felt like it.
Another 'situation' I want is basically just the earth but I'm the only one on it. I just want to drive around and do whatever I want, although there'd be a few changes.
One of which is infinite electricity/water. Another one is infinite gasoline so I can just traverse the globe. Oh, infinite food too.
It's basically if everyone else evaporated and I was just left here. I'd be so happy. I'd go live up in northern Oregon in a nice mansion. I'd love that.
But, I'm sorta stuck here. Having a guilty conscience makes me feel horrible when I know something is my fault.
I was raised too fucking least to care for people who are actually good people. People I don't like don't deserve anything from me.
I'm a picky eater. Guess I'm picky on people too.

May 17 2020

Stalkers aren't cool. I had one myself for a few years. My "good ol' christian" friends found that out the hard way today. It's fucking gross.
One of my friends convinced another one to take them to the local diner because they wanted to hang out.
Instead, the first friend used it to stalk another one of my friends' girlfriends. It's a fucking mess.
The one who was stalking is always super fucking edgy and uses depression for the aesthetic. I HATE PEOPLE WHO DO THAT. He's so fucking obnoxious.
He gets all the attention from the fucking school. I get nothing because he's always in the fuckin line of sight.
I'm just over here hanging out in the shadow where I want to be. Anyway, shits' hit the fan, and I don't want to be a part of it.
Thankfully though, they don't really notice that I'm never talking there anyway, just lurking.
Anyway, Fuck that guy, I hope my friend and his gf are alright, it sounds lowkey kinda scary.
My life is such a damn soap fuckin opera.

May 16 2020

School makes me want to kill myself even more. I just took a calc final. I know that every answer I put in was right. I double checked them five fucking times.
Yet, the shitters in charge of the automatic grading gave me one point off. That's bullshit. FUCK YOU! I KNOW I'M RIGHT YOU BITCH!
I emailed the prof and I hope that they fix it because if they don't I'm going to be even more pissed than I am now. This shit is so fucking stress fucking ful.
It's just another load of shit for me to deal with. I'm going to fuckin kill myself when I'm done with this damn school. Then I'll actually seem fucking "professional". School is a lie. It's so fucking overrated.
It makes me want to kill myself more. "Reach out to the counselors!"? No thank you "motivational" poster: I'll kill myself in peace.
They know jack shit about me and when I'm gone they'll realize how fucking dumb they were. Doesn't help that I have hardly any friends in the first fucking place.
Everyone always leaves me on fucking read. I'm a human, not a retard.
I'm not a r/niceguy but if you're going to just leave me on read when we've talked before you're full of shit.
You think I won't notice? I'll blast you point blank with a shotgun and then you'll know who I am. You all will know who I am.

May 15 2020

I'm broken. The taste of blood is always there to greet me. I hate it.
I hate it so much, but yet, it always comes back. My nose is so busted that it will bleed every fucking day.
I don't know what's wrong with me and nobody else I know does. Meds would fix me, but I can't get those. I just want to know what death is like.
I'm sure it's better than this bitchin shithole we call "life". I want it to me just me floating in space alone. I belong there.
However, though, I feel just so fucking stuck. I want to die, yet I don't. I want to kill, yet I don't. I'm just too indecisive. I never can pick anything.
For instance, if I wanted to get a tattoo, I feel like after I got something I'd regret it later. I just want to find who I really am,
and what I'm really like, but I'm afraid I'll never know who the fuck I am. But for now, I want to just float in space forever and just stay to myself.

May 14 2020

I hate who I am, but I can't change any bitchass thing about myself. I'm worried so much about a myriad of different
issues that even just one of them could ruin the life I have right now. I'm stuck, like a mime,
in an invisible fucking box that he's too retarded to get out of. My personality is a bitch, and I'm ugly as hell.
I'm just an example of what /not/ to do. I don't even give a shit anymore about trying to look nice or cool or whatever shit.
I just want three things: to live, to die, and to be free. I can't get any of those things.
I'll have to settle with something close; and that's just limiting life for myself until I'm too fucking miserable to live.
There's so much shit that I've done that I don't even want to talk about it. I'm just a waste of people's precious fucking time and I
need to stop trying to involve myself in that shit. Yet again, I find myself drawing back to the cult.
They made you think the leader knew what was best for you, and that you didn't have to worry about yourself, and if you believed in them that everything would be okay.
I'm sure people I know are so brainwashed that if the cult told them to kill themselves for the "greater good" they'd do it.
I had a dream about that once. It fucked me up. I want to leave that cult for good but I'd be disowned if I did.
I can't change who I am and I can't ask for help. I'm so fucking stuck.

May 13 2020

I'm too fucking competitive. I always have to win. EVERY. GODDAMN FUCKING TIME. I hate that about myself.
I should just stop trying all that shit because I know I'm worthless at it and shouldn't even bother. If my only friend is reading this you know what I'm talking about.
It's such a fucking waste of time. I should just give up like I have with the rest of my life. I have no fucking thing to live for. Being the best at something won't make me
any better at life; it'll make me seem more of a fucking loser who tries too hard to be good. Fuck that shit. Every time I rage at the smallest fucking thing I feel horrible about it
afterwards. After what happened today, I honestly feel just awful. I fucking suck. I take every fucking thing just too damn seriously. I honestly just should stop caring,
I've done that already with so much shit. I don't care about having any friends anymore. I'd rather have just a handful of real ones now.
I don't care about eating. I've been having one meal every day. I don't give a shit anymore.
To be completely honest, I should just stop trying at life and just go blow my head off with a god damn shotgun.
Sure, it'd mean I'd have to try but if I try my hardest then, I won't have to try anymore. Being competitive is just another damn thing that's wrong with me.
I'm broken. Like a Chevy. It's expensive, hard to maintain, has many flaws that just get worse over time,
and just overall a shit experience. Never thought I'd compare myself to how shit Chevrolet is but now that I think about it it's a pretty honest match.
I'm sorry. I honestly tried. I just give up.

May 12 2020

How fucking dumb are people? It's sad to see people who don't take this damn virus seriously. They deserve to catch it and die.
Fuckers aren't even smart enough to stay home. Sure, the damn thing is making me go fucking insane but
I'd rather do that then publicly display how much of a retarded cuck I am to everyone else.

May 11 2020

I don't have enough friends who think like me. Off the top of my head, I have one. One fucking person shares my feelings.
It's obnoxious because most of my good ol' christian friends think I'm a "bad influence".
I've been finding that more and more often I get violently irritated at the fuckers who think that are trying too hard to be depressed for the "aesthetic".
That's not fucking aesthetic. It's damn near fraud. I don't know why suicide became so mainstream.
Probably because it's the easiest way to get rid of all your problems. Most of the people I know who dress in dark clothes,
listen to NIN and are all around edgy are doing it for the aesthetic. Someone needs to prove to me that they're not doing it for attention.
Why the fuck are you lot so damn scared of showing off to me? I just want someone other than my only real friend
who will listen to me instead of going and telling me to repent and that satan has taken over my soul. You're wrong there dickbag,
I am basically satan. I'm horrible. You just need me to prove it to you. I've tried before, But I'll try harder until you're damn sure that I'm right.
If there's anyone reading this that's doing it for the aesthetic, grow up or go home.
People hurt people everyday. You all need to quit faking what you were born to do.

May 10 2020

I'mma do the things that I wanna do. I ain't got a thing to prove to you. Actually, that's a lie.
The only thing I have to prove to you is how fucking worthless people in power are. They don't use their god damn brains.
I should be able to do the shit I want. I should be able to spray paint a bridge. I can't. It's fucking public art you assfaces.
Get that through your thick skull. Fuckers think they're the smartest people since Einstein. I should be able to make my own fucking decisions.
I don't give a shit if it's illegal. I'm going to do what I want. I honestly wished America fell.
Then people like me could rule the fucking earth. I'd just cruise around in a '98 4runner and just climb over any land, person or object in my way.
I want to be the only person on earth. Then I could do the shit I want. But no, I'm stuck in America,
that's ruled by a orange peel, stuck in my god damn house going to school so I can get out of this shithole. Fuck my life.
I'm such a disappointment. I fail everything I try. I should just stop trying and use that helpful wikihow article to tie a fucking noose
and jump off the golden gate. It's a win-win. I get a 100% chance at dying. I'm okay with those odds.

May 09 2020

Food isn't required to survive. It's a luxury.
I've been cutting back on food so much every day for almost the last week that I've gotten more and more tired.
So fucking what? I don't need this food. All I need is fucking water. Goodass thing I don't live in Flint.
Fuckers there haven't had clean water for years cus the fucking government is too damn retarded to fix it.
Nestle thinks water isn't a human right. Fuck them. I wouldn't trust the Feds to help me if my life fucking depended on it. Lyingass pricks.
There is so much shit wrong with the "land of the "free"" that it isn't even freedom anymore.
I should have the freedom to ask someone to fucking help me kill myself. I can't. That's not freedom.
Fuck this shit. Freedom of Speech FTW. In the FBI they say that giving information to another agent is called a "pass".
I'll "pass" some information onto you. America is not the land of the free. It's land of the silenced.

May 08 2020

I feel like I'm more suicidal than homicidal. Sure, I want to kill people sometimes,
but the only person I really want to kill is myself. I'm losing my fucking mind.
I can't go outside my house without being arrested for not following the self isolation bullshit.
Not to mention that all this shit in my head started cus of the cult I was brought up in. Fuck that shithole.
It brainwashes people into harming others because they'll be "cleansed". That's a fucking lie. They can't see through the lies.
That damn cult was just a haven for predators and pedophiles. Fuck them. I don't want to be associated with them anymore. But no.
Every fucking week I get invited to come back. FUCK YOU ALL! I DON'T GIVE HALF A FUCKING DAMN ABOUT YOUR CULT.
I'll be disowned if my family knew I left that bullshit. I don't even care, because if I am,
I'll just blast out my fucking face with a fucking shotgun on some peaceful mountaintop on a fri-fucking day night. I want to be free from the hellhole I live in.
It's not like the fucking school cares either. I've been reported so many times for violence or self harm or any of that bullshit but they don't give a fuck.
Instead they install fucking cellphone fucking signal blockers so I can't call 911 when someone eventually shoots up the place.
Fuck that shit. I have a VPN for a reason. Burn in hell you administrators.

May 07 2020

What is the fucking point of being alive? All I get for living for this long is the satisfaction of death. I've been craving that shit for YEARS.
I've tried before and it never works. Nobody even gives half a shit either.
Counselors? They don't know. My friends? None the wiser. It's such a fucking well kept secret that not even family members know about it.
All I do every fucking day is just sit here slowly losing my goddamn mind just because some dipshit in China decided to eat bats for dinner.
Thanks asshole. I'm going insane because of this shit and it just makes me want to kill myself even more.
Holy fuck this world going to crash and burn.
Doesn't help the fact that whenvener I try to get involved in shit the dumbasses who think they're better than me pretend I don't exist.
I exist. You have my phone number. But oh no, that weird kid just can't come. Fuck you.
You know who you are.

go back home