June 30 2020
I'm falling apart. Everything hurts and I'm always exhausted. Today is the last day of June and I feel bad for not posting more word-y rants this month.
I kinda just ran out of shit to say that won't incriminate me. I don't feel safe anymore. I'm a bit paranoid that something is going to happen.
I don't know what'll happen or how, but I just feel like something awful is going to happen very soon.
I'm probably just being a fucking moron but I can't shake that feeling.
Last time I felt this awful about something some dude was walking outside my school with a gun and the school admins lied about it.
They said there was a "minor medical emergency" and lied to everyone. That pissed me the fuck off.
I hope you get where I'm going with this. I feel like something is going to happen.
Anyway, that's it for this month. I'm going to put this into its' own page again like last month.
June 29 2020
I won't be labeled as average.
June 28 2020
It's raining. Yay.
June 27 2020
I bought DOOM 2016 on steam on the 25th and HOLY FUCK IS IT FUN. I just carved my name into a water bottle with my knife.
I bet you that I'm gonna have to use that knife at school this year. I don't feel safe there.
June 26 2020
It's a weird feeling to both want to die and want to live.
June 25 2020
It's weird to think that this month is almost over.
It's been nearly 4 months since I last went to school and that number kinda freaks me out.
Yesterday I saw my former best friend for the first time in about 6 months and he actually talked to me. That low-key kinda surprised me.
Ever since I fucked up, he hated my guts, but yesterday he was actually nice and talked to me.
That made me so happy. I can't describe it.
I'm back. It's 9:48 PM. My 2001ASO poster arrived but I haven't opened it yet.
I've been too busy playing DOOM 2016 that I bought off the steam summer sale.
I've also been listening to a remix of Shelter that makes me cry.
June 24 2020
I almost ran over a child.
June 23 2020
My vans belt and lanyard arrived today. They're awesome. Also, minecraft 1.16.
June 22 2020
I renamed this page from rants to thoughts as I don't rant on here as much as I used to.
June 21 2020
I've convinced myself that nobody truly cares about me. The ones who say they do get annoyed when I go on long tangents.
I'm just going to keep to myself from now on this site. I'm done losing friends.
June 20 2020
A few days ago I ordered the same 2001: A space odyssey poster that Sol Pais had in her bedroom.
I love that movie and I think the poster looks cool so I got it. Hopefully I'm not questioned about that.
My first main problem is that I still can't tell if I'm faking how I feel. I honestly don't know anymore.
I'm worried that I am and that I'm a huge asshole for doing that but I have no clue.
The second thing is that I'm kinda afraid of death now. I don't know what's going to happen to me when I go or what it'll be like
What if it's even worse than living? You can't really go back after that...
I'm just stuck in that state where the sun goes down and I'm stuck thinking about the darkest shit.
It happens to me all the time and it really makes me wonder about shit and it honestly makes me worried.
I'd much rather have everyone in the world except me just vanish and I'm stuck traveling the world. I'd rather do that
Being raised in a cult didn't help either as they had their own ideas about what happened and I don't believe those either.
My mind is just spinning and I hate every second of it.
June 19 2020
I hate always being tired. Hi, Back about 12 hours later.
I lost 6 pounds since I last checked about a week or so ago. I'm so happy right now.
June 18 2020
I found out that I had a 50$ gift card. I ordered a vans belt and lanyard for my car keys.
I'm actually happy about that. Also, last night at like 2 AM I drew the KMFDM logo by hand cus I can't get a sticker yet.
Didn't turn out half bad. Still debating how to order that shit I want. I don't know how I'm going to do it.
June 17 2020
I feel like I'm falling apart. Everyday everything hurts and I feel tired all the time.
I want to know what's wrong with me. I'm sure it's my fault somehow but I just can't be bothered to fix it.
I feel bad for having these super short rants but I just don't have much left to say.
Back about 14 hours later...I want to say something else. Realistically, I could literally drive to Columbine if I really wanted to.
I was thinking that...if...I kill myself, I'd probably pull a Sol Pais and do it there.
I want to order a bunch of shit that I want but I'm sure someone'd take notice so I need to figure out what to buy and when.
Like I want to buy a butterfly knife, KMFDM shirts and Combat boots. I just don't know how to pull it off.
I was thinking of asking a friend to order them for me and then I just pay them. I kinda want to stand out to the counselors at school so they'd notice me,
and then I can either choose to lie my way out of it or accept my fate and reveal everything. So many decisions. I want to buy a sticker like she did and put it on my phone.
I got a damn case just for that reason. I just don't know how to do it. I don't want to buy shit then get asked why I bought it. I need to think this through some more.
I don't know what to do first. I think I'll order the sticker/shirts and then say that one of my friends found them at a thrift store or something and thought I'd like them.
Still not sure about the knife or the boots, though. Also, if anyone knows where to buy a sticker I'd really be grateful. I'm not gonna pay 8 bucks for one sticker.
Anyway, it's nearing 1am right now so I'm gonna bounce.
June 16 2020
Yesterday I started a Minecraft survival world. It's way more fun than I thought.
June 15 2020
I need to die.
June 14 2020
For about the last week or so I've basically completely lost track of time.
I have no clue what day of the week it is and to be honest I really don't give a shit. I gave up trying to stay "informed".
I'm just so tired of trying to look like I care about my life. I don't. I really don't.
I just feel so worthless all the time.
It's starting to get annoying to be honest, but I just can't ask for help.
I don't know how I'm going to survive next school year.
I just feel like sleeping all the time and that's because food somehow gives you energy, so I fucked myself over with that.
I feel sad all the time and there's nothing I can do about that either. I'm so lonely.
June 13 2020
Just a few minutes ago I stole a tank in GTA V. Best experience of my life! I blew up so many cops and helicopters and shit.
10/10 IGN would play again.
June 12 2020
Today I've decided to let go of one of my bigger lies. I'm not 20 years old.
I've been telling everyone that so they'd take me seriously. I'm only 16. There. Go and fucking report me now.
It's hard for me to admit that but nobody else I know can see this site so it doesn't matter to me.
I had a dream last night but it was so short that I don't want to bother making it into it's own thing on the dreams page.
It starts out with me driving and running over 3 teens. Then, I reach a flooded road.
I get out of the 4runner and start walking as the water rises up to the brims of my high tops. I look around and walk into a neighborhood.
There, there's a giant inflatable duck and I use that to climb over the flooded road.
Also, USE THE FUCKING GUESTBOOK! IT'S THERE FOR A GODDAMN REASON!
June 11 2020
Sorry, I forgot to write yesterday.
There's so much that I don't know. It pisses me off. Yet, people sometimes say shit that I already know.
I know America is fucked. You don't need to remind me.
June 09 2020
It is finished.
June 08 2020
I'm worried.
June 07 2020
I'm buying a 1998 4runner on Monday. I'm excited.
It needs brakes and a muffler but otherwise it's actually really amazing. I haven't felt this excited in a very very long time.
It's even got a cassette deck! That's awesome.
Sure, it's not that expensive of a car, but it's what I want and I'm gonna get it.
Plus, Toyotas have super huge dependability as long as they're taken care of, and this one has been.
June 05 2020
I fuck everything up, I annoy everyone and I drive them away. I'm such a useless piece of shit.
If I killed myself the world wouldn't notice. I have no meaning or purpose to do anything.
I really just want to shoot myself in the head. I'm so tired of living that even doing basic tasks seems like a bitch.
I wish I could go back in time and change something to prevent how much of a human scumbag I've become. I just don't even know why I'm trying anymore.
Maybe I'm hoping for something good to happen to me, but after 7 years I don't think that's going to happen.
I just feel sick, tired, alone, helpless, and scared all the time.
I'm a perfect example of what not to do when raising a child I guess. Just mistake after mistake after mistake.
I'm like one of those personality quizzes if you selected "Strongly Disagree" on everything.
I don't understand how some people can like who I am. I sure as hell don't. I've got everything and more wrong with me.
As Bo Burnham once said "Life's toughest problems don't have simple answers." Well, that's true for most things, but not suicide.
I can take care of all my shit in a single pull of a trigger.
June 04 2020
Ever since RtG made that shitshow of a video, people have been trying hard
to come after people who had nothing to do with sickgirl or sol. They're trying their damn hardest to 'expose'
us so they can submit it to her and get the fame from saying you helped make a video for some clickbaiter with 550k subs.
That's sad. She's not just gonna milk neocities to hell like JayStation did to his girlfriend. It's not going to work.
They stopped being so simple with their threats against us (even though they told us off for "threatening" people)
that they've brought up their tactics to harass us. I guess people are trying even harder to witch hunt us.
Some dude made some edgy site with "logs" that are supposed to scare us? I'm not scared. I've got nothing to hide.
Bring it on, you sonovabitch!
June 03 2020
2020 is the worst year I've ever lived in.
There's so much shit going on that I just gave up trying to be positive or shit. There's no fucking point.
If the USA isn't full of nukes by the end of this year I'd be surprised. We're all fucked.
Everyone you ever loved has died. The world is on fire and full of retards.
I can't believe we haven't just left and gone to Mars. We're all going to be dead by the end of the year.
This year will never end. It's only June and everyone already wants to die.
YOU HEAR THAT TRUMP?
June 02 2020
Todays rant will be short. Fuck the people who don't use turn signals. They should be hung and beaten to a pulp.
June 01 2020
I hope that it's fine that I'm putting all the entries for May in its own page.
I'm also writing these a day earlier than they go out so tomorrow I'm not going to write one just so I can get back into the correct date.
Thanks for helping me hit 3k views on the site. I really appreciate that. I think that's all I'm going to say today.
If you want to know how I'm feeling, go read yesterday (May 31).
