August 31 2020
And such, the month comes to an end. Not with a roar, but with a whimper.
This month has been one of the biggest rollercoasters of my life.
It started out shitty, got better after I forgot, and then school started, and I felt a little better, because I got out of the house.
Then, I remembered. That was shitty. I've never felt so low in my life. Then, I met a friend. I'm so happy to have someone I can genuinely be honest with.
Today has been really nice. I got home from school, and the weather was so pretty. It was in that zone when it looks like it was going to rain.
It looked so pretty. I also had fun playing this handwriting game. One of my friends came over and we had dinner, and that was fun.
I've felt better today, which is somewhat surprising. I spent a lot of time drawing today.
Today, I also got my old journal from my physics class that I can use to put all my shit in. I just need to find a place to hide it.
Today, I also framed my 2001:ASO poster. It looks cool and I'm glad to have it in a good frame.
But, all good things must come to an end. My cat has been moping around and really lazy today. I think he's sick.
If something happens to him, I'm going to kill myself. I don't know how I'll live without him.
I can't tell you if I want to forget this month or not. I've never experienced something like this in my life.
I haven't played a videogame in 5 days and I've never felt better.
I've been spending my time doing things I actually enjoy, and I don't have to remember everything. I'm not sure what else to say.
Huge thanks to E for making the end of this month fun. Without you to talk to I would have not had a great time.
I'm glad that this month is over, because we're just a little closer to the end of the year. I just hope that September is gonna be okay.
I'll move this month's posts to their own page tomorrow.
August 30 2020
Hello. I'm somehow not dead. I tried. Trust me.
Today I've spent a lot of time revamping the website. I simplified the main page and fixed a lot of errors.
I feel a little more confident in my abilities. I can't tell you how nice it feels to fix all that.
My OCD is finally a little less monstrous. Speaking of monsters, me.
I've felt a lot better than I have over the last few weeks, and that's probably because I've been able to let a lot out.
I can share things about my childhood and my life and just about everything. I'm really happy just to have someone to talk to.
Someone I can trust. Thank you so much, E. While I'm here, I want to speak about something.
Keep it as a record for the future I guess. The media are fucking vultures. Fuck NBC. Fuck FOX. FUCK ABC. FUCK CNN. Fuck them all.
You bitches feed off people. You're disgusting. Stop overexaggerating shit. I'm tired of seeing your clickbait shit.
AND SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE BLACK LIVES MATTER SHIT! ALL LIVES MATTER! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
August 29 2020
I took a...few sleeping pills and painkillers. Goodnight.
August 27 2020
Last night I tried razorblades for the first time. Do I wish I'd done it? No. Do I regret it? No.
On the 25th I talked about how I was losing motivation to do anything. It's getting worse. I used to love to play videogames.
I'm losing motivation to do one of the last things I genuinely enjoyed. I get home from school and fall asleep for hours.
I loved to play Minecraft up until about two months ago. Someone ruined that for me.
Since then I guess I've just correlated videogames with that individual.
I can't play any game without being reminded about how fucking dumb I am. I ruined it all. It's all my damn fault.
Honestly, I don't really give a fuck about anything anymore. A teacher caught me with my knife today and I know he did but he didn't say anything.
Tomorrow is Friday, which is nice considering my mental state has slowly been worsening over the last three months. Sometimes I really do miss those days.
Other days I hate them and want to forget. I guess it just depends on how I'm feeling. I've cut down my Discord friends list even.
I only talk to five people now. Em, my brother, my childhood friend, a close friend that lives in Maryland, and a friend I have right now in HS.
I don't really want to talk to anyone else. I get incredibly uncomfortable when someone else tries to talk to me. I don't know what to say.
I have absolutely zero feelings toward them. I'm sure that every last one of them hates me anyway.
Every day I get home from school and find myself so exhausted and unmotivated that I collapse into bed. I rarely even sleep.
I just sit there and stare at the ceiling. I don't have the motivation to do anything. During the summer I probably averaged 50 hours a week on gaming.
This week, I've probably played less than 2 hours. I just don't care anymore.
Can't even be bothered to take care of urgent shit. I honestly don't give a fuck anymore. I was broken by someone I thought I cared about.
Everything was blamed on me. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault.
Suddenly, it's not my fault. I want to know why. Explain that to me. Explain to me why I'm "missed" even though you're better off without me.
I can't help you. I don't know how. I make everything worse. I don't understand why you want me to help you. You have the fuckboy for that.
Even then, I don't have enough motivation to try. I'm sure I'll just make it worse like last time. I'm too scared to try.
I don't have any self worth. I don't have any self confidence. I don't have any feelings. I don't have anything to live for.
I was broken down. I was stripped of my identity. Now I have nothing left.
I genuinely don't feel anything. Everything I'm told is meaningless. I've drilled into my head that it's all a lie.
There's nothing that I can see that proves otherwise. In my eyes, I'm being swindled into regaining trust just to be broken down again even further than I was before.
I don't want that to happen again. So if there's some proof that I'm not being lied to or whatever, I'll take it. Might change my mind, Might not.
I can't tell you what my hobbies are. Everything that had meaning to me no longer means anything. I don't want to play Minecraft ever again.
That includes on that god-awful money-hogging dying corpse of a server I thought I could call home. I'm not welcome there. I'm not welcome fucking anywhere.
Everything I'm told is meaningless. It's as if I'm a TV and am not connected to a channel, just on static.
It just doesn't connect. You cut me off. You felt like shit. It was my fault. I moved on. I found a real friend. Now I'm being told all that was a lie.
I know you'll see this, and I want to know where this sudden change of heart came from. I don't understand. I gave up on trying to lie. I gave up on life.
There's this one Phineas and Ferb episode where they're caught and sent to a prison, and become "broken". That's what I feel like.
I trudge around just looking sad all the time. I gave up on trying to be happy. I gave up on trying to be creative. I gave up on everyone in my life.
What doesn't help is that every day once the sun goes down, I get incredibly sad. I can't explain why.
No, Carly Rae Jepsen, It's not always a fucking good time.
August 25 2020
Since about July 29th I've slowly been losing motivation to do anything. Some days I find it impossible to get out of bed.
I get up, put on some shoes, get in my truck and go to school. I sit in school all day and at the end of the day I return to my truck and go home.
I do nothing for 4 hours then go to work. I come home, do nothing for 3 more hours, then go and close the pools.
Rinse and repeat and you have my life. I'm so tired of being me. I want to be someone who can be positive, uplifiting and nice.
Instead, I'm called manipulative, I'm told that people are better off without me. I'm told that everything is my fault and that it's my fault I can't be good enough.
I'm never good enough. The extreme standards that are pushed on to me to excel are breaking me apart.
I want to be able to not worry about losing friends because I share too much. I want to not be able to worry about what those friends are going to do to me.
I want to be able not to worry about waking up every morning dreading the day ahead. I want to be able to change. But I can't.
I'm locked in a prison cell. I can't break out of my comfort zone in fear of what will happen to me.
I stay where I'm told and do what I do when I'm told to do it. I don't want my fears controlling my life. But they have.
They always come back to me. Every bad memory stays locked up with me. There's things that I want to forget. There's things that I want to take back.
There's things I would have done differently in order to have a better outcome. Yet, everything comes back to haunt me.
Just when I forget about a bad memory, something happens and it comes back. I'm told that I'm wanted and that I'm needed.
I can't believe if that's even true or not. I've been lied to all my life. I find it incredibly hard to trust anyone with anything.
I always have to do it myself. I can't trust others to do things for me.
I can't trust others to be honest with me, yet, I'm misled, mistrusted, missing, miserable, mocked, mad, moronic and mortified.
With all of life's problems pushing down on me, I still trudge on.
I try my hardest to get out of bed. I try my hardest at school. I try my hardest at work. I try my hardest to forget.
I try my hardest to forgive. I try my hardest to forge ahead. I try my hardest to motivate myself. I do one more math problem or one more step or one more breath.
Yet, I feel like my time on this earth is slowly winding down. I can't imagine the future. I can't see myself after age 18.
I only see the past, my mistakes, my mishaps, my misinterpretations, my misery and my misunderstandings.
I wish that I could forget the past and start over. We study the past so we can improve ourselves. When I study the past, I see that every time, everything is my fault.
I cause mistakes. I cause mishaps. I cause mistrust. I cause misery. I cause everything. I just need to stop and let life run it's course without me.
Leave me behind. I don't deserve the future. I'm not good enough for it. I've already got a plan to go. All I need is the motivation that I lack.
One day, I might just have enough motivation to pull through with it. One day, I might want to receive help.
One day, I might want to get treated. One day, I might graduate High School. One day, I might have a family. But right now we're here; today.
I don't see it getting better. It's just a downward spiral into madness. I just wish that I hadn't've been such a dick.
It's my fault this happened. People hurt themselves because of me. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything.
I deserve to be released from this hellish existence into a planet of new possibilities.
I deserve to be released from this hellish existence into a world of new people, of new things, of a new hope.
I want to get help with my disorders. I want to be happy again. Thinking about my childhood makes me so sad.
I just wish I could be that toddler that was full of life. I want to get help with my problems, but if I do I will be institutionalized.
I won't have the handful of friends left to talk to. I'll be even more isolated than I was before, and I don't want that.
I want to be able to talk to Kiley about food. I want to be able to talk to K about cars.
I want to be able to talk to E about everything, without worrying about being called out. I want to be able to talk to T about videogames.
I won't be able to talk to anyone. I don't know what's going to happen to me. That scares me so badly.
It could be easy as "we care about you and want to help". I wish it was.
I'm sorry for this wall of text. I've got a massive headache. I feel sick. I'm tired. I can't stop shaking and I needed to let this off my chest.
J, I'm sorry.
August 22 2020
Some humans are degenerate pieces of shit. In the event I encounter one,
I'll kick them over and stomp on your god damn throat until it's flat. I'll whip you with a fucking chain until the ground turns red. Then, I'll strangle you with it.
I'll take a god damn padlock and stick it so far up your fucking ass that you'll have to have surgery to get it out.
I'll use my damn car keys to turn your eyeballs into locks. I'll kick your teeth in so far that you'll have to get Sherlock fucking Holmes to find them.
I'll cave in your skull with a metal fucking baseball bat.
I'll stab you so many times that by the time they find you you'll be fucking obliterated.
I'LL FIND YOU AND I WILL KILL YOU. I'LL FUCK YOU UP SO HARD THAT THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE YOU. YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!
August 21 2020
Today was filled with the feeling of dread, in a way. I'm worried that what I was talking about yesterday was true.
That I was just being lied to. I don't really know what to believe and what not to anymore. Everything seems like a lie.
I was talking to E about schooling today and I realized how much of a shitshow it is. Speaking of school, I was told that I may be getting extremely
tired because there's a chance I may have an iron deficiency, which wouldn't be very fun.
Trying to get help with that would be a problem on it's own. Personally, I'm just hoping it's because of stress.
Speaking of stress, I just feel like I'm breaking apart. Everything just seems to be falling apart.
I wish it was 2012 again. I miss being happy, playing on the school playground with my childhood friends. Life was a lot more simple back then.
I didn't have to worry about people ruining my trust or lying to me.
I had way more friends back then. I was a lot more social. I've slowly whittled away at my friends and now I've got about 5 good ones
and a bunch of other ones that I can't decide if they're friends or not,
I wouldn't say I'm close to them, but when I see them at school I still say hi to them. I find it easier to make friends online than in real life for some reason.
Sometimes I find some that I really enjoy talking to, like Kiley or E. Other times I find someone that seems like a good friend, just for them to turn on me.
That's happened a few times over the last three years. I have a really hard time making friends as I'm socially awkward and honestly just a big bother to the ones I am friends with.
I don't really understand how my few school friends can put up with me, but I try to put on a facade and be nice to them.
I overthink things way too much and blow them out of proportion extremely often.
There's so many things that I have to worry about all at once. I have to worry about being lied to, I have to worry about my own health, about my real friends...there's just too much to focus on.
Sometimes I just sit and think about the past. I miss that. I'm getting old too fast. It feels just like yesterday when I got to high school.
I don't understand how some people can care about me. I'm annoying, manipulative and just flat out rude. Yet, some people stick around for some reason.
Sorry, I'm getting too depressing. I'm just worried about too much. I wish I could let it all go, but I just don't work like that.
I can let some things or people go, but when they come back, I don't know what to do.
I'm told to let it all go, move on and to forget, yet when I do, it just comes back. I'm at that point in the day where I get extremely sad for no reason.
Listening to some Modern Baseball.
August 20 2020
Over the last few weeks, I've found myself to get extremely tired around 1PM. Every day, no matter how much sleep I get, I'm always tired after 1PM.
That's hard for me seeing as school gets out at like 2:30 meaning I have to endure an hour and thirty minutes of being extremely tired.
Having someone to talk to when I am at school is nice, keeps me distracted seeing as I normally finish my assignments early. It also helps me stay awake.
My phone battery sucks ass though, so I have to really try to limit the brightness and how much I use it, but I'm working on it.
The apple stores need to reopen soon. I don't know how much of this I can endure.
My battery has gotten so bad that it's telling me that I need to get it replaced now. I could get it replaced a local store, but that's 30$ more.
Today I wore Eric's senior picture outfit to school. Nobody noticed, of course, but it felt kind of cool to show your support to someone.
On the first day I wore what Sol wore when she killed herself. Also, I ordered 6 shirts from SHEIN a few weeks ago, and it said it would be here on the 31st.
Luckily, according to the shipping tracker, they'll be here tomorrow. I'm excited to have something new to wear.
To add on to that, I can't decide what I'm going to wear tomorrow, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.
Another thing that I should mention is that I can't tell if someone is being truthful or not some of the time...I can tell with most people, but some people, I don't know if I can trust them.
I can't tell what their true intentions are. It worries me. When I get into a situation like that I just want to back out and just leave it.
I overthink things way too much. The perfectionist in me nitpicks everything.
I guess I'm just scared of those kind of people. Ever since it got dark Ive just been super sad. I would explain but I cant.
August 18 2020
Well. Today was the first day of hell. It was hell. Holy fuck it was so boring!
They got rid of a class period and now every class is 1h 30m long. Holy hell. It was so long and unbelievably boring.
In my first class, I found out a friend of mine is in it, and that kinda made it feel better, but he's a bit of a jackass so leave my feelings undecided so far.
In the next class, I found out I sat right next to my smartest friend. That was cool.
We haven't talked in a while so I'm glad we got to catch up. In the next class, there's nobody I really am friends with, and most of the kids in there are the...very...dangerous kids.
They're the ones that smoke weed and break into cars. I don't like that class, but the teacher seemed nice.
The last one was so fucking boring. I got so bored that I started falling asleep and had to kick myself to stay awake. That's it for that one.
In conclusion, I'll give today a C-. My phone's battery is so shit that I had to whip out the portable charger so I could keep it on, and I still have to use a VPN to connect to their wifi.
However, I got DOOM running on the school computers. That's fucking awesome. I'm so excited.
I also drag raced my friend home and nearly sideswiped a karen in a yukon because she was being a bitch and wouldn't let me in front of her.
I'm kinda glad I'm back at school but at the same time I'm not, because now I'm not free to do what I want.
I did bring my knife though, as I always do. Although, I feel worse than usual. Hooray.
August 11 2020
I broke my nose.
August 07 2020
Hi. I'm back for a bit. School starts back up in 11 days. It's going to be hell. I don't know how I'm going to survive this shit.
I don't want to go back with this bullshit going on. I took off all the 'challenging' classes from my schedule because I'm fucking done.
I don't feel safe at school. I carry a knife on me at all times. I know a kid who posed with a gun for a video check-in for a class.
He's probably going to do something. Me on the other hand? I just want to sleep. It feels weird to be going into 11th Grade.
I got doxxed around a week ago, but honestly I don't give a shit anymore. I really don't.
Everytime I see my "friends" icon on Discord makes me hurt. He even copied my fucking status. Egotistical prick.
I want to unfriend him, but for some reason I can't. Even though last time he messaged me it ruined my day. That was the 29th.
I feel lost, like I'm sinking in black quicksand. So lost in fact that I find it hard to look at the future. I don't really have much of an imagination.
I don't see myself graduating or going to college. I don't see myself ever getting better. For some reason I see me just floating in darkness. That's about it for now.
I might come back and update this..."blog" maybe after a week back in hell. We'll see how it goes. I just don't want this...mood improvement to go right back down.
I spoke a while ago about getting an iPod. I did. It's cool. I'm glad I took up this job this summer. I've made almost $1.2k.
I'll have to quit soon after school starts, so I've been thinking of working at some pizza place where I don't really have to work and I can just do homework.
Sorry for the wall of text. It's just been forever and I haven't had anywhere else to ramble on and on.