September 30 2020 [06:46]
Today is the 30th. That means this month is over. In August, I stated that I hoped that this month would be better than August. I am not surprised to say it wasn't.
This month has been such a fucking pain, both mentally and physically. I want to be put out of my misery so goddamn badly. I want to die so fucking bad.
It's odd to me to say that. A few years ago, probably when I was in 6th or 7th grade I learned what suicide actually was, and I was like "That's dumb, I'd never do that".
Things change. My mind 'evolved' so-to-say. I evolved into a monster. I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve peace. I deserve death.
I feel like I don't belong on this earth. I feel like my time is winding down. I just wish it was 2012 again. The last time I was genuinely happy.
I've had to put up with my brain's development of my depression for 7 years, and I'm finally at that point where I'd rather die than live. Everything seems so mundane.
I don't have any motivation to do anything anymore. I have to get people to push me to do things. I can't do anything on my own, even when I hate group projects.
I hate who I am. I hate being me. I hate life. I hate living. Just let me die, please.
September 29 2020 [15:08]
I'm prepared to die. Should there come a chance, I'd take it. I'm done living like this. I want to go to a better place. I want to be happy.
I've got several plans already, and also have a favourite one. But, the only time I'll be able to go through with that one specifically is fall of 2022.
I think that's too long, but if I want a shotgun, that's the only way. I want to die in the fall. I want to be surrounded by pretty leaves as I bleed out.
I even have the outfit planned too: my quiksilver shirt, red and black plaid, cargo pants, black socks and either black hightops or combat boots..one or the other.
I don't understand why my life feels like it's falling in on me. I have good grades, basically whatever I want, but all those things don't replace the worthlessness I feel.
I don't get consequences. I don't get in trouble. Even then, nothing..good..ever happens to me. It's always a downward spiral. I'm turning into a madman, I swear.
I walk out into the commons and just think "Wow, it'd be so fucking easy to kill dozens with a pump action." Needless to say, I'm NOT going to do that.
Gives me another fucking reason to blow my brains out. I want all these thoughts to just go away. Get out of my head. I want to be happy so goddamn badly.
It's like that MGMT song: "I'm ready, I'm ready, ready, ready to blow my brains out. You die, and words won't do anything. It's permanently night, and I won't feel anything."
Not to mention the fucking migraines that I've been having recently. Some of them hurt so fucking badly, and NOBODY GIVES A FUCK!
I tell my parents my head hurts and they send me to school anyway, whereas if my sister has one she'll be kept home and brought lunch and the whole nine yards.
I hate my life so fucking badly. I hate that I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE PERFECT. ALL THE TIME. I want to be able to not have to worry about anything.
Yet, I HAVE TO WORRY. ALL THE TIME. I hate myself and moreover my fucking brain. I wish it'd just /fix/ itself. Just fix yourself, you broken bitch.
Make life better for me, you worthless lump. But I can't. I feel like mentally I'm trapped. I can't ever let anyone know about this shit or my life is just gonna get worse.
I wish I was able to get help. I really do. But I can't. I'm scared and afraid of what will happen to me, because I have no idea. It scares me just thinking about it.
One thing I'm not scared of anymore though, is death. There's considerably good odds that death is better than living, and I'm willing to take that chance.
I want to be out of my body. I want to drop everything and just relax for all eternity. I want to be able to meet my grandparents and celebrities and everything.
I want to be free. God, I wish I could just kill myself right this instant.
September 27 2020 [00:37]
I'm so tired of feeling worthless. This cloud that's looming over me day after day after day is just ruining me. I want to stop feeling like shit all the time.
I want to get help, but I can't. I came very, VERY close to letting everyone know this week, but I held myself back. I can't do this. I'll be institutionalized.
I don't want that. I'm just tired of being me. It's like I'm on a teeter-totter. Every day I'm leaning one way or the other. This week I've felt so utterly useless.
I can't describe it. I've drug everyone down with me, and I know I'm ruining everything. I want to stop, but I can't. I try to stop, but I can't.
I want to find someone who genuinely cares about me. Most everyone I know is probably using me for something. I just want to find a genuine friend.
Someone who isn't afraid to listen to me, someone who's okay with me just breaking down, someone I can genuinely hug. But I can't find anyone like that.
Every friend I have irl is fake. I know they are. They're using me. I want to be able to just have a friend who cares. But I can't find anyone like that.
I'm so sick of wanting to die all the time, but there's nothing I can do about it. I take painkillers, they do nothing. I cut, that just makes it worse.
I write here, but that only helps temporarily. I want to be able to get help without anyone knowing. I posted this question on Quora almost three years ago.
They all said I can't do anything about it, and they were right. I can't do anything about it. Although. I learned that Walgreens sells anti-depressants over the counter.
I might have to try to take advantage of that. I just want something, anything that will fix me. I'm so. damn. tired. of feeling broken.
September 26 2020 [07:41]
Hurray, it's finally the weekend. This week has honestly been a gigantic waste of time for me. I haven't done basically any fucking schoolwork, which is dumb.
Next week I have another math test, which I know is going to royally fuck me over. I'm not as ready for that one as I was compared to the other one.
To be honest, I shouldn't even care. I probably won't live to see myself being affected by those scores. But, on the other hand, my parents'll yell at me.
I won't hear the end of it. They won't stop bugging me to retake it or whatever. I don't understand why they care so much for my grades. It doesn't make sense.
My sister is their favourite, and they don't try to hide it. They shouldn't care so much for my grades, as I surely don't care for my grades in the slightest.
If they only stopped paying so much attention to my sister they'd realize how fucked in the head I am... I don't really try to hide it anymore. They don't ask enough.
"You okay?" "Yup." and that's the end of it. No pushing, no other questions, they just simply don't care enough to ask. It's whatever though, I'll be outta their hair soon.
I hope people can learn from my mistakes so their children don't end up like I did. Constantly stressed, under pressure, yelled at, insulted, and nothing is done.
September 23 2020 [15:26]
Hey there, it's been a while. I've been cutting (myself) back from writing on here because I was sharing too much, so expect entries maybe once or twice a week.
Today was such a fucking waste of time. I did nothing productive at all. I shouldn't have even come to school. I had over three HOURS of free time.
I can't believe that people just won't fucking teach. It's not that fucking hard to throw a worksheet at us and have us do that. But even that was too fucking much!
The only highlight of the day was when me and my brother were coming home. He found some meme and it made me laugh and laugh. I haven't done that in forever.
Other than that, though, today honestly could have not even happened and I wouldn't have missed anything. I just want to fucking evaporate out of existence.
I'm also selling some PS4 games on eBay to get enough money to buy the XTORT shirt, so I'll update on that eventually, hopefully it'll total enough money.
Anyway, that's it...I'm gonna go exercise now.
September 19 2020 [21:16]
Today I really did nothing. I went out for lunch, came back, took a nap...I think..? I don't know, felt like I did but I don't know when or how long I was asleep for.
Anyway, after that I had planned to go camping up in the mountains with the 4Runner, but I got to the top, and it was cold. It was almost 32F or 0C.
After I got there, I hiked for two miles, and went and looked at some abandoned cars. One of them was a 70s Datsun, and the other was a 70s Dodge Station Wagon.
Hiking at that steep of an angle with no water, such a high altitude and wearing Vans High Tops took its' toll on me. I felt exhausted, like I was gonna pass out.
Had I passed out, I would have tumbled back down the hill and no less killed myself by hitting my head on a rock, so I guess I'm kinda lucky.
There also were like three snowmobiles and a ton of other shit, like road signs, beer cans/bottles, plastic, and even a genuine microsoft keyboard.
I found a blue lighter, took that, still has fluid in it, and a sparkplug I found. I hiked the two miles back up to the truck, and was absolutely exhausted.
Since it was so cold, I decided to go back down. My brakes took the blunt of the force, and they smelled awful. I stopped for about 15 minutes to let them cool off.
I also saw a raccoon and three deer, which was kinda cool. Anyway, that's it for today, hopefully tomorrow is more exciting...(it won't be.)
September 18 2020 [16:00]
Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here. What have I become? My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away in the end.
September 17 2020 [13:21]
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I got a decent score on the test. The bad news is that I won't be killing myself yet.
Oh well, there's always next time. I'm taking a huge risk right now typing this on one of the school computers but nobody's gonna notice because nobody gives a shit.
My life and soul are being drained out of me. I feel lifeless. I don't have anything that's worth anything to anyone else.
I've had off and on headaches today, which is spectacular. I'm conflicted. I have some...business to attend to. It's gonna be big.
It's been a long time coming, and I'm glad to get it over with. It's been a burden for far too long, and I'm gonna be so glad to get it off my shoulders.
It's nothing personal, honey, it's just business.
September 16 2020 [21:04]
If I don't get a good score on the damned chemistry test tomorrow I'm going to kill myself.
September 15 2020 [15:41]
I had a breakdown in 4th period. Every memory of the past came rushing back to me and broke me.
I sat in the chair for an hour and a half just completely glazed. I didn't listen to anything. Every memory flooded my mind. Every accomplishment.
Every mistake. Every friendship. Every heartbreak. Every feeling of worthlessness. Every urge to kill myself. All of that just...broke me. I don't feel anything.
All I can think now is "You're worthless", "Nobody gives a fuck", "Go kill yourself". I want my mind to stop. I feel broken. My head hurts and I've got a huge headache.
The amount of stress I have is incredibly frustrating. I want to die so badly. I want all this pain to go away. I want to be free of everything.
I don't see much more of a point in carrying on with life. I'm ready to get it all over with and to move on. My time left is slowly coming to an end.
"what would happen if you let go of yourself after helping someone so much, what if you killed yourself because of it all, what would happen to the person you helped?"
Who could have known that's exactly what's happening.
September 14 2020 [16:17]
My day has been ruined yet again... Foolish of me for thinking I was having a good day, with my luck it was all but guaranteed to end up shitty.
Today started off with a scare, and has ultimately ended with pain. Another shitty day in the life of a fucking idiot who doesn't know how he feels.
Honestly, there's little stopping me from going at this point. I've given up on life. Nothing means anything to me. I just need the motivation to go.
Hell, I've got at least five plans I can think of right now, which include: Jumping off a bridge, a building, hanging myself, overdosing, and shooting myself.
One day I'm gonna have to pick, and it's gonna be one of the hardest decisions I'll ever have made, not including the last decision.
I don't know how much longer I can last with the pressure and anxiety and whatever else is fucking wrong with me. I feel like I'm out of control.
Nothing ever goes my way. My grades are slipping. I don't give a fuck, it won't matter anyway, I'll most likely be dead by the end of the school year.
The clock is ticking. I can't wait to die.
IT'S MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT
September 13 2020 [14:34]
Fuck. The start of another shitty week in my life. This one is gonna be painful. I don't know what's going on this week but knowing my luck it's gonna be shit.
Ultimately, I have at LEAST two tests this week. I also have to fix that fucking US history one. I hate this pressure.
Can't my parents just ease off for one minute? I don't want to be yelled at every time I don't get an A on an assignment! Leave me alone!
Kill me please, I don't want to endure any more of this shit anymore. It hurts more and more. There's too much pressure on me to do everything perfectly.
Ugh, I hate it. I just want to be able to not worry about shit and go relax, but I can't. Nothing is ever that fucking easy. I hate myself for always worrying.
Really. It's so fucking annoying to be yelled at so much. I just want to slow the fuck down and take everything easy. Is that too much to ask for?
On another note, I did finish that new page this morning. Go find it. I won't tell you where it is. If you find it? Congrats. If you don't? Congrats.
Also, I'm getting tired, so I'm gonna make an honest attempt at taking a "real" nap where I don't sleep for 30 minutes then get woken up by my sister.
Zzz.
September 12 2020
I've spent about 4 hours browsing r/morbidreality and I believe I've ruined the rest of the day for myself.
Guess who just spilled soda on his 1300$ laptop? I wonder... Edit: It wasn't much and I took care of it fast so I think it's okay.
I came up with an idea for a page today so I'll work on throwing that together tomorrow or tonight, whenever I have the time.
September 11 2020
Happy 39th birthday to Dylan Klebold! I've always wondered what you'd've been like if you were still alive. Also, I got like 101% on my math test somehow.
I finished the gallery page, go crazy you horny fuckheads.
September 10 2020
Holy shit. Today was so fucking boring. I literally learned nothing in school today. The only thing I learned was how to insult people in Swedish.
First class of the day, where I thought we were gonna have a test, turns out the test is next class. Saved my ass there, holy shit.
Unfortunately, we were assigned a group activity, which is my least favourite kind of assignment.
Second class was YET another group activity. Then, third class was literally just personal reading.
And then there was the last class, where we watched a video about a dude using a prostitute for drugs and overdosing on screen. Yeah, what the shit?
In a turn of positivity, today is thursday, which means that tomorrow is Friday.
I can't wait for this week to be over. We get to end it on 9/11. That's funny. Tomorrow I was thinking of driving up onto the hill somewhere and sleeping in my truck and watching the stars.
Sounds fun, we'll see if I do that or not. Something that wasn't fun, though, was the fact that I got a monster headache during 2nd period today,
and I didn't take any painkillers until about 4 hours later, which means I had to endure all that shit for hours. Huzzah.
I feel like I take painkillers way too much. I don't want to get addicted to them. I don't want to ruin my life.
In a twist, I got Photoshop, Premiere, Illustrator and Acrobat all downloaded and cracked so I can use those now.
I still need to figure out how to get Office cracked, but I'm sure I'll figure that out.
I've spent about 5 hours trying to get my music library transferred. That turned out to be a huge fucking mess.
It won't transfer over playlists or loved songs or anything, which I see as a gigantic hunk of shit.
In other news, I got the cracked version of Office 2019 installed. Fuck you, Microsoft! I won't pay for your shit!
Tomorrow I have math class, I'm not looking forward to that. I'll also try my hardest to work up the motivation to throw my gallery page together.
Then you'll get to see how fucking ugly I am. It's 10:02 right now and I'm getting extremely exhausted but I can't work up the nerve to sleep.
Might go to sleep soon, hopefully seeing as I haven't had more than 5 hours of sleep in the last week. Goodnight.
September 09 2020
Today has started out as shitty as ever. I woke up at 4:30 AM. Can't get back to sleep. Whoop-de-doo. On top of that, I've got my migraine going again.
I took two painkillers for that. To add insult to injury, today is that damn math test.
I'm gonna slit my wrists if I get a bad score on it. I don't give a fuck about life anymore.
Speaking of giving a fuck, which none of you probably do, my MacBook is coming today after all, it arrived in my city at 2:44 AM.
So, this'll be the last entry I write on this shit laptop. Hell, could be the last one I ever write,
but the chances of that are low seeing as two painkillers are unlikely to kill me, unfortunately.
Anyway, wish me luck on this test. Goodbye.
Well, here I am yet again. I got the mac. I'm really, really excited about this.
I got a 34/56 on the math test but my teacher said the grading was wrong so hopefully I get a better score.
Anyway, that's about it. I got a bloody nose on the way home from school and it was a fucking mess. Today has honestly been very draining.
I'm both incredibly stressed and exhausted. I got the idea that I should probably get screened
to find out what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm guessing just based off intuition that it's gonna be depression, anxiety, and probably a few others.
Not really sure how I'd bring up the fact that I want to be screened to them, maybe I'll figure out one day. I wish that it was easy for me to be open with shit.
On the other hand, I'm still worried that I'm just making everything up, since I don't know for certain what I'm feeling is actually what I'm thinking it is.
It could be, probably not, though. I don't want to get misdiagnosed for shit that I don't have just because I'm unknowingly pretending to have it.
Tomorrow I have yet another test. This is getting exhausting. I don't want to worry about every god damn thing.
Earlier my sister was trying to insult me by saying "I'm going to live longer than you." Little does she know, she will, by a lot.
Well, that's true so long as I don't get any help, which I don't plan to. I don't know, honestly.
Maybe I'll have a change of heart someday. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning not thinking that I want to die every 10 minutes.
I hope that isn't too much to ask. Maybe not playing videogames in two weeks has somehow influenced my feelings. I doubt it, though.
I've felt better than I have before just because I don't have to be reminded constantly of everything. I'm sorry if I'm being too depressing.
It's getting dark outside and every time it gets dark outside my mind just sinks into the thoughts that are awful.
That happens every day. I just feel so damn worthless. I'm just a speck on a speck inside of a never ending universe. What's the fucking point.
I've come to terms with being a failure. Sure, I'll still be yelled at every day for not getting an A on a test, but that's better than feeling shitty about it.
I know I'm rambling a bit, but I just want to try to let everything that I don't want out. I can't tell you how awful I feel all the time.
Every time, everything is my fault. Everything is because of me. Everything is ruined because of me. Everyone is disappointed by me.
Everyone is underwhelmed by me. Everyone takes pity on me. I'm a scapegoat for the worlds' problems. That doesn't help the fact that I have my own damn problems.
I just want to be fixed. I'm so damn tired of being broken.
September 08 2020
Today went about as poorly as it could have. It’s so fucking cold right now. There’s a serious windchill which is making it 28F.
It blew over a fucking portajohn, and still we had to go to school. This is bullshit. Speaking of bullshit, I got a 23/26 on the us history test.
I carved the word Failure into my arm. I should stop doing that. Another thing that went terribly today is that the power at the school went out for a solid hour.
They still forced us to stay. One bright side of today was that we had a paper airplane contest in us history which lightened my mood a bit. It’s so fucking cold.
I’m glad wore three layers today. I’d probably become a human fucking popsicle if I wasn’t.
I also had E to talk to which really helped distract me from the shitshow that was going on today. I’m writing this from 4th period. I sure as hell hope today gets better than it is now.
I’m gonna try to take a nap when I get home. My macbook also comes tomorrow but it’s been in Vegas for the last three days, so it’s not gonna get here on time.
I’m looking out the window right now watching the trees and it looks like they’re gonna fall over. Some of them have.
Writing is distracting me from worrying about how fucking dumb I am. Probably gonna fail that damn math test tomorrow. This writing is also distracting me from losing my balls.
I’m so so fucking cold. I nearly died coming home. The wind nearly blew me off the fucking road. There's like 5 trees that have been uprooted.
I’ll update if I wake up from my nap.
September 07 2020
Yup, it's me, the disappointment. I'd like to start off today's entry with the following: Ready to Glare is a predatory bitch that feeds off children for content.
Now that's out of the way, guess I'll give out some updates. I took like 4 painkillers last night and went to bed and was genuinely ticked that I woke up. I guess that's a good thing considering I haven't written my note yet.
I'll do that today if I find the motivation to. It's really smoky outside right now and it kinda makes me feel like I'm in heaven, as I can't see anything out my window but bright white. I just want to go somewhere where I'm happy.
My migraines are getting worse and worse and I just want to curl up and die. I wish there was a way to buy antidepressants without my parents knowing. But tied into that is another one of my fears.
I'm afraid that taking those will change my personality so much that everyone will know something is up. I just want to be cured of what my brain tells me.
Every second I'm just thinking about death. Every second I'm just thinking about how much I deserve to die. Every second I'm just thinking about how everyone will be happier without me.
Every second I'm just thinking about how I won't be remembered. Every second I'm just thinking of how worthless I am. Every second I'm just thinking about how I'm not good enough for anything.
I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve praise. I don't deserve life. I deserve to be free.
Speaking of freedom, that thing I talked about yesterday, I did that. Now I have 28 cuts, the three fours, the word "HELP" and 2x of the word "BAIL". I'm gonna be wearing long sleeves all week anyway so that doesn't bother me too much.
Nearly got caught again last night, but it was so dark that nobody noticed. Whoop-de-FUCKING-DOO. Erk. I just remembered I have to dress in clothing that can't be baggy for chemistry either tomorrow or wednesday. Welp, I'm fucked.
I should have thought of that, but my fucking brain only remembers shit that isn't helpful at all, like how Marvin Heeymeyer went on a rampage in Granby Colorado on June 4th 2004. Sheesh, my brain is such a useless lump.
Can't even remember important shit. I guess that just gives me another reason to blow that shit right outta my skull. Speaking of my mind, It hurts. All the damn time. I don't understand why. I never used to get migraines
but now I get them every fucking day. It's just so damn painful. the fucking painkillers never help either. Now I'm fucking cold. Hooray. I tried taking a nap about 4 hours ago and my brother and his friend tried to kick my door
down and woke me up. It amazes me how some people can be generic pieces of shit. I also don't understand like why everything hurts all the time.
Tomorrow I have school and I don't know which test I'm going to have first. I hope it's the US History one first because I feel like I'm gonna do the best on that one.
That and I don't have my cheat sheet for the math test done yet. I need to do that.
So, I finally showed someone my cuts...the cat...he loved me anyway. I wish my parents were like that.
Anyway, here's to me getting a good score on whichever test tomorrow, or I'm gonna fucking destroy my wrist.
September 06 2020
I know this is a bit early to write anything. It's 5:18 AM. I woke up three hours ago and I can't tell you how sick I feel.
I feel like I'm gonna puke at any moment. I had a dream last night, but it wasn't...good...enough to write down in my page.
In short, I killed myself deep in the forest where nobody was even remotely close to save me. I can't tell you how much I want to kill myself.
I think about it every day. I don't really know what's stopping me. I've saved up enough money to fly to Littleton and either overdose on pain killers
or huff a dust remover then pass out which causes me to fall off a rock into the noose. Maybe I'll do both. I don't know.
I don't know how much more of this pain I can endure. Every day it hurts to say "I'm okay". I can't feel anything.
Every insult that's thrown at me has just as much meaning as every piece of praise I get. Nothing means anything to me.
I feel nothing. I make everyone feel worse about themselves because I'm too much of a goddamn bitch that can't shut the fuck up.
What I do know is stopping me though is just the feeling that in a way, I might ruin my few friends' lives by killing myself.
I don't really want to put them through that. But at the same time, I don't think they care enough
because when they ask I'll just say I'm okay or that I'm just tired and they never can see through the lies. I guess I'm just too damn good of a liar.
Nothing's going on, don't worry about me, there's nothing to worry about. I feel like cutting some more today. Might do it, might not.
If I do I'll have to wear a long sleeve shirt for a week which I'm okay with so long as I'm not asked to roll up my sleeves.
I just feel dead. I've been in bed for nearly 12 hours and I still don't have any motivation to get up.
I don't have any motivation to eat anything. I'm just laying here wallowing in pain. I'm glad that I put the shit laptop over here by my bed.
What I'm not glad about is the fact that I got about 3 hours of sleep. I'm also not glad that sitting here has made me
think of some...very...dark things. I keep being told by my mind that I'm ugly, that I'm worthless,
that I'm manipulative, that I'm best left behind, that I'm hurting everyone. I'm told that I always make everything worse and that it's always my fault.
I'm told that I'm not good enough for anything. I'm told that I'm a let-down and that I have to be perfect.
I gave up on life about a month ago. I gave up on trying to stay positive. I gave up on ever getting help. I really don't want to try at school anymore,
yet I'm forced to because my parents' expectations for me are so damn high. Those expectations are killing me.
The pressure that's put on me to succeed drains my energy and leaves me half awake most of the time.
I'm extremely quiet and tend to keep to myself as I have literally no IRL friends to talk to.
I just wish people irl would take the time to see how broken I am. It's not hard to miss.
I have like 5 fucking knives and I'm always angry and talking about violence. The signs are there. Nobody is putting the pieces together.
I just made it so the font on these journal entries is my actual handwriting, which is kinda cool.
Speaking of writing, I need to start writing my suicide note soon. I have to make sure it's very well written and doesn't push blame onto anyone but myself.
Writing it will be hard to do, but it's something that I need to do. Might write the first draft of it tomorrow. Hell, might even post it here.
I don't know. When the time is right, I'll put it here and go do what I was born to do.
Also. peegirl, you probably won't see this seeing as you don't know me, but I hope you're safe.
September 05 2020
Here we are again. Officer moron here to give you the news. I ordered a MacBook yesterday. I'm excited for that. Over the last few days I've been having more and more thoughts to kill myself.
I can't do that yet. I don't have what I need. Today I had to pull the clock outta the dash of my truck and that was a fucking headache. My parents saw my arm, but didn't notice anything, so I'm thankful for that.
I took a nap soon after that, yet another "didn't fully fall asleep" but it was nice. I mentioned quite a while ago that I still don't know if what I'm feeling is what I'm feeling or if I'm making it up.
I noticed that ever since I cutting her out that I went from thinking about her all the time to barely thinking about her at all. Which is nice, because I don't want to be reminded about that shit.
I've noticed that since then, helped by removing basically the only negative influence on my life, that these thoughts are 100% real. If they weren't, I probably wouldn't be cutting.
I've been cutting a lot less though as of recently. The highlight there are two slits on my wrist and the three number fours. other than that, all the older ones have healed over.
I can't even barely see the scars. However, the circles on my hand that I made with the coke bottle are still there. I can see three of them very clearly. I'm not too worried about those. I can make up some excuse.
The one that I came up with is that I was refueling the brake fluid on my truck and accidentally touched the engine which burned my hand. That was good enough for my Chemistry teacher.
Speaking of school, it's been going okay. I have a US History test as well as a Math test. However, I feel like I'll do completely fine on both. I haven't felt that confident towards a test in months.
I'll keep you updated on how that goes. Speaking of updates, though, I need to write something down in that physical journal I made. One day, I might upload scans of it here. We'll see. That's it, sorry for the boring fucking update.
September 04 2020
End of the road, nothin' to do and no hope of things gettin' better. Sounds like Saturday night at my house.
September 03 2020
Today, nothing felt real. It just seems all...fabricated in a way. It just doesn't seem right. Everything is a little...off.
For some reason, it reminds me of a coma. I don't know why. I'm not seeing things. I'm not insane, I just don't feel right.
I feel like something...BIG...is gonna happen. I talked about this a few months ago. I felt uneasy one morning and that day it turns out was the day that the school lied about a man outside our school with a gun.
I can't tell you what's going to happen, but I just have this feeling that something is going to happen. Maybe it's untrue, but I feel so odd right now.
Maybe I am in a coma, I don't know. I could be making everything up in my head.
In a way, I feel like John Tanner from Driver:SF. My world is normal, but it just doesn't seem right. I can't switch into cars though. There's another headache coming on. This one is gonna be bad.
I feel scared. I just can't shake this feeling. It hurts. It hurts so much.
I want to take painkillers, but they don't help. I just like knowing that they could help. I probably take too many. Maybe that's why I don't feel right.
I don't really know how to put into words how I'm feeling. This headache is getting worse. I just carved three number fours into my forearm.
I guess that gives the word forearm a whole new meaning. I'm gonna go. There are no gods. No kings. Only humans. Stay safe.
September 02 2020
Heyo. Earlier today, I hit 10,000 views on my site. Thank you so much. I'm glad to have been accepted in this community.
I came here alone, and I'm glad to have been included here. I've made a new friend, and I'm happy to be able to voice my thoughts and opinions.
I'm so happy to be able to share here without being called manipulative. Thank you so much. Honestly, this site allows me to release my anger.
I've felt a lot better being able to release my thoughts. It's such a relief to know that I'm not going to be prosecuted on here.
Thanks for all the positivity and nice comments. I can't tell you how much I love being able to be free. In a twist, I noticed something. My ears have started ringing and it's giving me headaches. It reminds me of Baby Driver.
In the movie, he uses music to drown it out. I do the same thing. I find that interesting. Having migraines at school are the worst. Trust me. I had one today. It was so bad that I wanted to go home.
I haven't missed a class in three years. I'm not gonna let my fucking mind stop me from doing that. I really want to find some way to get all of it to go away. I don't want more migraines. I don't want more guilt.
I don't want more sadness. I don't want more problems. I'm just terrified of getting help. It scares me. I know for a fact that it's not going to end well.
Anyway, the reason I brought this up is because I'm getting a headache right now and it hurts as much as hitting your elbow on something. Why do I always have to be tired and have headaches? It's a deadly combo.
September 01 2020
Well, here we are, another month in this hellish year. I got four hours of sleep last night, so I was extremely tired in school.
I had to take the state test on Reading and I scored literally the same score that I got last year.
Nearly got into several car accidents today. People just don't know how to fucking drive. I hate people who don't use their fucking blinkers.
How the hell am I supposed to know you're turning if you don't use them? Fucking idiots.
I'm glad that I've found more songs to put into my music page. Ever since school started I've been listening to more, and I've found new ones I like.
Examples include Syrups by Foals, Safe by All Time Low, and Laugh till I Cry by The Front Bottoms. Music helps me focus in school.
I'm glad that I haven't gotten in any serious trouble for listening to music basically every day all day.
I just remembered that I needed to clean my airpods, so I'm gonna do that. Later.
