October 30 2020 [15:33]
today was rough. i went to graphic design class, did nothing, went to chemistry, failed a test, (fuck you) then went to my next class, did nothing, then went to lunch.
i was so afraid of being next to people and them seeing my arm by accident that i ate in my truck. i then went to computer programming, where i proceeded to do,
you guessed it, nothing, for an hour and a half. my ears started ringing about two hours before school got out, and it made me kinda ticked off.
i drove home, and that felt like it never happened. i feel like i teleported here. i'm surprised that i haven't been yelled at yet for failing that test.
i can assure you it's coming. today felt strange. i felt sort of invisible, as if i didn't exist at all. i didn't do anything, and nothing happened that was in my control.
i felt dead, in a way. i didn't really have any 'life' in me. i don't know if that's because of my costume or not
(which i will not be putting here because harassment n all that shit) or because when i woke up i started writing another story. it's told from my perspective,
and is actually quite fun to write. i feel like i'm rotting from the inside out. i used to really care about what people saw me like. i don't care anymore.
my hair is way too long, and i still don't give a fuck about making it look nice. that used to be a really big part of my personality. this year, though,
i feel like that's rotted out. there's nothing left of it. and yet, with such a miniscule problem gone, i still have all this shit to deal with.
i still don't have so much as an imagination. i can't see things in my head. earlier i was chatting with a friend during class and he said something along the lines of
"imagine like floating with nothing around you." i tried, nothing happened. a few days ago, i was able to imagine me going to college. i can't do that right now.
i see a faint outline of tomorrow, but otherwise, i see absoleutely nothing. i can't imagine people's faces, or objects, or anything. my mind feels empty.
i feel like there's no purpose for me. i know i can't ask for help because it feels like everyone i know in real life is out to get me. oh boy.
here i go on and on about the past again. i'd give up anything humanly possible just to be a kid again. i had nothing to worry about as a kid. i used to dream about happy things,
things that i wanted, or things i could imagine, like one dream i had in 2011 or so where i made a lego conveyor belt, then woke up and did it.
now, all i think about is combat, fighting, death, and scary situations. of course, they're all happening to me. i'm the one that dies.
i'm always in some situation that i just can't stand. i want my brain to stop doing that. it's really starting to piss me off. when i was a kid, i existed.
i felt like other people genuinely liked me. now, i just feel like nobody cares, but is still there because i'm clinging onto them. i know all my friends would be better off without me.
i don't text irls anymore because nobody texts me. they treat me like i'm not a person. i'm a huge waste of money. without me, my parents would save quite a lot.
i burned a hole in my pocket. nobody ever comes over to hang out with me. nobody invites me anywhere. i'm not a part of anything.
i simply don't exist. the only person that treats me like i exist, ironically, is my sister. she will fling insult after insult at me. sorry.
you need better insults if you're going to get under my skin. the world wouldn't change should i disappear. i doubt more than 10 people would actually notice,
and even then, none of them would genuinely care. there's not much of a point to living if you have nothing to live for. that's where i am right now.
i don't see a point. none of this is real. so what would be the point? it might feel good, breaking my own face, seeing myself bleed, that's what i want. so why don't i just do it?
i'll fall all the way to the other side. who knows how much time i have left.
October 29 2020 [06:38]
i just woke up. last night i had a really bad anxiety attack. it lasted nearly 30 minutes. i started worrying about everything. i started hyperventilating and i couldn't stop.
i don't know what came over me. what i did next makes me hate myself. i grabbed the box where i store my blades and just started going to town.
i realized i'd fucked up after i looked down. i went and grabbed the bandana that i use as a bandage and used some old shoelaces to hold it together.
i'm going to wear my baggy hoodie in combination with this makeshift bandage to school. it would be very ideal if the counselors didn't search me because i looked suspicious.
oh fuck. i have to turn in that permission slip. to the counselor. what was i thinking!!?? gah. i'm such an idiot. i may have just fucked up big time.
i had a dream that there was a zombie apocalypse of some kind and that i had stolen an ambulance and drove to this place that i can't describe. after that,
i had dreamt that there was a shooting and that i was taken hostage. i had imagined that me and several others were told to put blindfolds on,
and that some of us would die, and that some of us would live. i remember sitting at a table with three others with our heads down. i was genuinely scared out of my mind.
then, i realized that if i was 'remembering' it, that i lived and i had nothing to worry about. oh, one more thing to say before i go,
i got outbid on the camcorders and i'm not going to up my bid. i'm not overpaying for shit that's 15 years old.
October 28 2020 [15:06]
yesterday i talked too much about my personal shit. today, i'm going to try to talk about today. speaking of, today was..rough.i was already tired to start off the day,
which is absolutely perfect. it was about 15f when i left this morning. i got to school and went to my first class, where i did absolutely nothing.
i then went to my next class, where i got another huge load of busy work dumped on me. i really hate that class. we get about 5 assignments every day,
and the teacher isn't very helpful. i'm not even learning anything that'll help me in the future. why the fuck should i care if the molecule for water is polar or non polar?
after that class me and my friend went to math...where as usual...it sucked ass. the teacher chewed us out for doing poorly on the test...after a two week break.
it's not our fault you don't teach enough, you sensitive, egotistical bitch. in that class, we watch videos for homework, and fill out notes,
then do the assignments in class. nobody learns shit from the videos, myself included. we get an assignment plus notes plus a quiz every day. it's a load of horse shit.
we don't have enough time to learn shit by the time the topic test comes around. oh. i just remembered. that test i mentioned however-the-fuck long ago it was,
that test is being waived. the scores will not go on our grades because literally everyone did shit on it. go fucking figure, you dumb bitch of a teacher.
you can't expect everyone to do good on it after a two week break. we don't give a shit about your class. we won't spend our free time studying your dumbassery.
anyway, during that class, i have lunch, so i went straight to the counseling office. i walked in and sat down and explained that i wanted to switch to online math.
i want to switch for a few reasons: 1. it's easier. 2. it'll take less time. 3. it means i can go home an hour and a half early 2-3 times a week.
i see this as a win-win. he handed me the permission form, and i'm gonna get that signed so i can get the fuck out of that class asap. after that,
i walked out and saw my emo friend sitting alone by the library, so i went over and had lunch with him. i don't know if he wanted me there or not,
but i don't like to sit alone so i figure that he doesn't either. after lunch, i went back to math class, where i continued to not pay attention.
i figured that since i'm switching out i shouldn't give a fuck. after that class, i went to my computer programming class. there isn't much to say about that.
i programmed java for an hour and that's about it. after that, i left with two of my friends, who promptly ditched me, so i walked to my truck alone,
or at least until my smart friend showed up about halfway there. i got to my truck and waited for my brother, and once he and his friend got there, i drove home.
that was my day. i'm still extremely tired. i didn't learn basically anything, and i wasted 8 hours of my time. i started feeling like shit during math class.
since i wasn't doing anything, i was just thinking to myself, and i'm sure that we all know what happens when i do that. i started listening to 'in rainbows' by radiohead.
honestly, it's a pretty solid album. my favourite song off of it is "all i need". i still like ok computer more, but this one was a nice twist.
when i got to computer programming, about halfway through,i got a little ticked off. other than that, that was probably the worst part of my day. it wasn't okay.
it was terrible. at least it was less terrible than monday. now that i'm home though i don't really have to worry about much. i never have any homework since i do everything at school.
i have like an irrational fear of doing things related to school when i'm not at school. it's kind of dumb because i don't have anything else to do.
i might take a nap, i dunno. writing this out makes me feel like shit. i guess it's because i'm reliving what happened earlier right now.
i feel like listening to 21st century breakdown by green day right now. i have that album on cd, but i don't really have any way to listen to that privately. speaking of obscure media,
during first period, my friend found a government surplus auction site. i found a listing for 5 camcorders. i want a camcorder because i love how the video looks when it's converted.
i bid a dollar, so i'll update should that go anywhere. in conclusion, today wasn't great. i still feel pretty shitty. i guess that's all for today.
wow, i've spent 32 minutes writing this one. that's impressive. time really fucking flies. hahaha. let's see...anything else for me to say?
oh wait. i forgot to mention. i will not be writing on the 31st because i want to take some time and write in my personal journal.
one day i'll upload that thing in its' entirety here. i can't tell you when that'll be, although it'll probably be at least by 2022.
October 27 2020 [16:26]
i decided that i haven't written enough in here this month. so, i'm going to be writing something every single day until the 31st to make up for it. my apologies.
i'm probably going to be talking about the same few subjects over and over because i don't really think about anything else...and this is supposed to be my thoughts.
i talked yesterday about how i thought today would be better than yesterday. while it was a little better, it also had its' flaws. for one,
i kept thinking about something that i'd rather forget, and i couldn't stop. it'd been on my mind all day, and it was pissing me off. my classes all felt extremely long.
that's probably because i was distracting myself in my head. i got let out ten minutes early for lunch, and i walked over to where i normally sit and
sat my ass down there. i watched the other kids walking around. some of them were laughing and joking around. seeing certain people happy makes me angry in a way.
it makes me wonder why they can be happy and i can't. i know that it's my fault, but i just don't think it's fair. although, they're also with other people,
whereas i'm not. they can be happy in a group. if i'm happy by myself i'll look like a dumbass. i wished i had more importance to my friends.
i don't get drug down by myself when i'm with someone to distract me from it. problem is, i'm always by my fucking self. even if i had that, sometimes i avoid talking
to people i'm friends with because i don't want them getting annoyed at me. i try to avoid saying my own thoughts because i don't want to start an argument.
i kinda just roll along with whatever the fuck is going on. perhaps that's a reason why i'm so scared of asking for help. from experience with some former friends,
i was kinda bullied into keeping my mouth shut. it seemed that every time i voiced my mind, i'd just get myself in trouble. since then, i've hesitated
to ever really speak my mind to people. i figure that when i talk people just get annoyed with me. i don't have many friends as it is, and not being able
to talk isn't very helpful. i really wish that i could find someone who both genuinely cared about me and what i have to say. i know that's wishful thinking,
and that it most likely will never happen. i wish for a lot of things. maybe 1 percent of those things actually happen. that's okay though, i'm kinda used to it.
i've been in the environment of where i have to be perfect and the whole nine yards, and normally i don't get what they want. i really just want to get out of here.
i don't want to be in this environment of toxic behaviour anymore. i just want to move out and go to college and try to live my life. the amount of stress
in combination with the amount of pressure is just draining. i wanted to live a normal life, but with all of what's going on, that's most likely never
going to happen. i'll always be dorky, annoying, rude, loud, a disappointment, all that shit. i've been telling myself all those things for years.
slowly, i've come to accept those things as truths. i know that i'm annoying. i talk way too much about everything...this site is an example.
i know that i'm disappointing everyone around me because nobody cares enough to even say "hi". i have constant headaches. i constantly feel sick,
especially when i stand up. i just feel like a failure. i feel that i've constantly let people down. i've always been told that i have to do everything perfectly.
i can't even do that. instead, i get told time and time again how that i need to "fix" what i did wrong. i disagree with that...i think that i need to "fix" myself.
i need to find the root of whatever is making me feel all of this, and pull out the plug. i don't know if i'm going to do that. i'm just so scared of everything.
the main thing i'm worried about right now is that there might be some underlying condition that i'm not even aware of that could be doing all this.
i could've been wrong this entire time, and there could be a whole other set of problems that i have yet discovered. that's what's terrifying me. although,
it's also somehow a little comforting, because then i'd finally know. i feel really terrible about writing all this, because it makes me seem a little insensitive.
that's not what i'm trying to do. i'm sorry it came off that way. another thing that i'm genuinely terrified of is my next depressive episode.
i know that i'm down most days, but there's some days where i barely move at all. i just sit there and shake for hours and hours. i don't remember when my last one was,
but i'm really fearful that there's one on the horizon. i really hope that it doesn't happen at school. that'd be a real problem.
talking about all this makes me want to finally go up to someone, roll up my sleeves and be like "hey, just so you know". i'm not that confident anymore.
i used to be able to smile and laugh and play along with the other kids at school. i have serious trust issues. i don't like talking to new people very
much because of said trust issues. i can't even keep eye contact with people when i do talk to them. i've kinda noticed this being more prevalent in high school,
with a emphasis on this year in particular. everyone is just so cold and ruthless, which doesn't help my already shy personality. i don't understand
how some people can have dozens of friends. it makes zero sense to me. all that i've learned on that subject in the last seven years is that i can make friends,
but they have to be a specific kind of person. it takes a long time for me to grow close to some people. i have to learn to trust them, and everything.
then, there's others who i can really be myself with, and i tend to be a lot more trustworthy with them...although, with what happened last time
i had to remove someome from my life, i can't say that's true anymore. i used to be a tough kid. i could endure a lot of things. i could withstand insults
and bullies and everything. when i moved here i felt vulnerable. i guess that kinda played a point in making me who i am now. i wasn't ready for that kind of change.
doing all that in such a short amount of time confused me. i shut down and went into safe mode. in hindsight, i wish i hadn't've done that. i should have just continued to be myself.
i wish that this could all end, but all my flaws are holding me back.
October 26 2020 [18:12]
today is/was the dreaded monday. holy fuck was i right yesterday. today my fucking math teacher assigned a test out of the blue, and forced us to skip lunch
because people (me) had been cheating. i can't tell you how much that pissed me off. i was already in a sour mood, because today it was 0 degrees.
it was so god damn cold. i wore my long sleeve shirt and vans jacket and that still wasn't enough. i hope that it's warmer tomorrow. i had to attend a meeting
after school, which i didn't want to do. today has been rou,to say the least. i got home and just felt...empty? i guess that's the best way to describe it.
i felt really terrible about just being me i guess, for lunch we had to go at a different time as i aforementioned, and i was with about 9 other friends.
i was sitting there, in the middle of them, but just didn't feel like i was mentally there. i kinda feel alone, even though i had friends to talk to, i just felt lonely.
i tried to distract myself the next class after by drawing some shit in ms paint, but i got frustrated because i didn't understand the assignment.
my brother went home without me because i had to stay after school. i guess that was the highlight of my day. i sang along to some songs on cassette in my car,
"house of gold" by top and "house of memories" by p!atd. that was kinda cool. about two hours ago, i got extremely anxious over the fucking math test.
i don't care about it, but my mind is just whirring with "what ifs". i know that i'm going to get yelled at again because i didn't do good enough. it wasn't my god damn fault.
we had no time to study. the teacher is just a pussy. i legitimately thought about writing "fuck this shit" on my test to show my distaste,
but i decided against it because i don't want to get in trouble. tomorrow should be better, which is kind of hilarious considering i don't have either of the classes i really 'like'.
i'll probably be assigned a shit load of busy work, but that beats being anxious any day. earlier when it really hit me,
i started watching the second diary of a wimpy kid movie to calm my nerves. i love rodrick's personality. i wish i could be like him. i wish that i didn't have all these needless
expectations pushed onto me. i wish that i was relaxed enough not to worry about anything. i'd switch places with him in a heartbeat.
devon bostick really killed in that movie. afterwards, i still wasn't feeling too hot, so i started listening to a snowstorm, which helped a little bit. i wish i could just take a week
sometime and go on a vacation to some cabin in the woods with a lake where i can just sit and watch the sunset while listening to chill music.
that'd be awesome. i know that'll never happen. nothing that i want ever happens. it's like the world is working against me. listen, world, i'm trying my damn hardest
to survive this shit. please just give me a break. you're literally killing me. stop pushing so much onto me. thank you. it just came to my attention
that this month is finally ending. that's cool. i'm glad to have survived yet another month of this year. i truly hope that next year will be better than this.
i hope that everything that's happening to me right now will just be lifted away and i'll be free. no more worries, no more stress, no more dark thoughts,
everything can just go away. although, with my luck, that's not going to happen...and with my track record of getting worse, i'm sure that'll probably happen instead.
i don't know how i can get worse after where i am now, but again, knowing my luck, i'll find a way. i should be starting to apply to colleges,
but i just don't have any motivation to. my parents want me to go to some religious private school, but i'm against that. i want to go to university of denver or berkeley or arizona.
i just want to get out of here and start all over in a new life. maybe i'll find some new irl friends that treat me more as a person than someone
who doesn't exist and just sits at their lunch table because he's too scared to sit anywhere else. oh wow. i just visualized the future for the first time in months.
that's cool. i haven't been able to imagine anything in the future for quite a while. i'm always stuck in the past. i need to break free from my chains
and just go for it. another thing i haven't done in forever is imagine. i don't have any imagination. i can't see things in my head. i don't imagine anything.
i can't see people, or anything. if i really try sometimes i can get a bit of a picture, but otherwise it's completely blank. wow, i've been writing for twenty minutes.
time sure flies when you're talking about how miserable you are. ugh. i'm still terrified about that damn test. i was hoping that writing would help distract me from that.
last year when i did badly on a math test i went a little crazy. i took a piece of aluminium from a soda can and started scratching the shit out of my wrist
before i could realize that i shouldn't be doing that. i couldn't control myself. now that i have access to razorblades and pills, i don't know what's going to happen.
i think that i might hide all that shit somewhere so i don't have the motivation to pull it all out.
yeah, that's a good idea.
October 25 2020 [21:32]
please note that today's entry is my first time in quite a while where i try to voice my own thoughts with my own words. it might be awkward and dark, and i apologize in advance.
tomorrow is monday. i have to go back to school after two weeks of being home. i don't want to go back for two reasons: i don't feel safe at school
and i'm under too much pressure to succeed. that pressure is tearing me apart. i chose classes that would be easy this year. i gave up on trying after last year.
i didn't want all my stress to come back. it came back. it always comes back. i'm always told off for not being perfect and i hate it. my siblings have average grades,
and my sister can't even do her own homework, and yet i'm here getting yelled at the most because i don't have an a. i get so anxious every time i so much as take a test.
i know that if i do 'badly' i will get yelled at, and i want to avoid that as much as possible. i hate conflict. i hate when people are mad at me.
it makes me feel terrible. almost every time when someone is mad at me it's my fault, and that makes me feel even worse. i know that i'm flawed, and sometimes
those flaws take hold and i piss people off. i just wish that i could relax and not have to worry so much about fucking up one tiny thing,
like a single math question for example. i want to cruise through the rest of my schooling. for years, i've been extremely type-a about my grades.
now, i don't give a rat's ass. i couldn't care less. i just wish i had enough confidence to talk to my parents about what i'm going through.
maybe then they'd actually stop pressuring me into doing shit that i don't want to do. i wish it was still 2012. i wouldn't have to worry about everything.
my life was still normal then, apart from two incidents that i'd like to erase from my memory, but that's besides the point. i was still in my old house,
going to my old school, with my old friends, as my old self. everything changed when i moved here in mid-2013. i became a different person. i became this awkward,
lonely, mess of a person. i've lost so much in the last seven years. i shouldn't have let myself develop this far. in 2013, i was almost normal.
2014 was less than superb. 2015, i was getting ticked. 2016 made me furious. 2017-2020 are the worst years that i hope to ever experience.
these last three years have truly been hell. and yet, nobody knows jack shit. a few friends know how angry i can be. a few know my unhealthy obsessions.
none of them have bothered to put the pieces together. i've hidden everything way too well. when i got to middle school, that's when things went from bad to worse.
i don't feel safe at school. i'm always on edge. this isn't helped by the event that happened in 9th grade. one day nearing the end of the school year,
the assistant principal got on the pa and announced there was a "minor medical emergency" and that students had to stay in the classrooms. fair enough.
then, people started getting texts asking if we were okay, and we asked why. turns out, the principal had lied to everyone, and there was actually someone outside the school with a gun.
that pushed me over the edge. i was absolutely furious. how can i trust my own school when the people who run the damn place lie to their students?
it's bullshit. i carry a knife with me at school. i don't give a fuck if i get in trouble if i get caught with it. i don't feel safe there and it's their fault.
i feel torn, though. some days i want to get help with all this, and other days i want to avoid it like the plague. i've tried to kill myself three times.
i've cut, i've abused meds, and then there's some days where i hate myself for doing shit like that. i'm indecisive. i can't make my own decisions on my own
because i'm too scared. i'm too afraid about everything. my main gripe with getting help with all the shit that's been going on is that it'll affect more than just me.
it'll affect my friends, no doubt my school, and basically everything in between. ugh. i hate having to worry about literally everything.
i worry about every message i send, every action, every word, everything. it pisses me the fuck off. i wish that i could just not worry about anything.
i'm just not that kind of person. worrying is part of my personality. I'm just glad to have two or three friends who i can genuinely talk to.
if one of you are reading this, thank you so much, you have no idea how much you've helped me.
tl;dr: fuck mondays.
October 22 2020 [12:24]
i figure that if i keep writing here i need to make it my own. most of what i've written has come from a place that doesn't exist. i'm putting up a front for the world.
i have no reason to do that. i need to stick to my own thoughts and not this fake horseshit that i've been writing recently. this is MY journal.
it will contain MY thoughts. most everything i've written here isn't "me". the threats of violence towards others, all of it. from now on,
i'm going to try my damned hardest to keep this strictly a place where i write how i feel and no less. i'm going to try to stop pretending to be someone else.
i just need to be me. i'll admit that i have my flaws, some of them worse than others, but i'm going to fix them. and this is just one of the steps i need to take.
this week has felt like it's lasted forever. i want it to be over so damned badly. i want this year in its' entirety to be over right now.
October 20 2020 [10:12]
each day always feels longer than the last. i'm being drug down by the earth. each tug across the asphalt rips off a chunk of skin. soon i'll just be a bunch of bones.
my mind won't stop racing. it gets deeper and deeper into the thoughts that have blinded me for so long. the amount i'm withholding is immeasurable.
as time goes on, those thoughts get more gruesome. they're getting more malevolent and more violent. i can't hold myself back for much longer.
some days things seem to be getting better. then my mind wanders into worse and worse and worse territory. i need to be stopped. there's nobody that's gonna stop me.
one day i'll go insane. i'll do something i never wanted to do. i'll do something so horrifying that it'll be all over the headlines.
each day there's a blockade that blocks me from doing what i want to do. i find a way around it. i feel like my brain is being clouded of judgement.
i don't know what's right and what's wrong. i act on impulse. i need to control myself. i need to stop myself from ruining this world for anyone else.
i need to use guns. i need to tear a rift through my skull. until then, i'm being stopped by words. each wound gets deeper and deeper.
i tearfully scream out. nothing comes out of my mouth. it's all in my head. each night the metaphorical knife is jabbed deeper and deeper into my flesh.
i'm being brutally tortured by my own mind. there's no screams. there's no mention of asking for help. all that's there is blood. so much blood. it flows like a river.
it flows down my arms and down my face. i say that i'm not good enough and that i'm not deserving of anything i have. i've convinced myself to be true.
i felt like i owed the world a favour. i try my hardest to make things better. nothing works. more often than not, it gets worse. i've tried so hard for so long to keep on fighting.
i believe that this fight is coming to an end. as it turns out, i'm not owing anything to the world. it's the world that owes something to me.
the world owes me for everything i've been through. every mistake. every tear. every heartbreak. every drop of blood. everything. the world owes me everything.
the only thing that i've gotten in return is getting the feeling of being the loneliest person to have ever lived. i'm not special. i'm not noteworthy.
i feel like a leaf. i grew weak. i became brittle. for that, i've been blown from my roots and am below everyone else. every healthy leaf is still left there.
i'm being stepped on by everyone that walks by. i've been crushed, trampled. one day the wind will pick me up and take me somewhere i don't want to go.
there's nothing i can do about it. my fate is sealed. every day i would ask myself why i have to be this way, pleading with myself to understand.
then, i got it. it has to be this way, because it has to be this way. there's no other path for me. this is how i have to go. there's nothing i can do about it.
my fate is sealed. i just have to accept it.
*edit* i'd like to apologize for what i wrote above. i've had a shitty day, and i wanted to vent.
again, i apologize.
October 16 2020 [10:05]
last night was probably one of the lowest points in my life. i had about 12 pills sitting on my bed, and i was just staring at them to get the motivation to just man up and take them.
but i couldn't. i'm too much of a god damn pussy. i don't want to go to hell. i don't want to live out the rest of my existence in just another version of life.
i fell asleep probably 12 hours ago listening to a song that makes me feel just shattered. i know my parents saw as when i woke up my headphones were put away,
and that scared me because i sure as hell hope they didn't see my arm. i don't know what will happen to me if they find about about what i've been going through.
part of me wants to believe they'll listen and try to help. the majority of me thinks that they'll send me away to some mental institution where i'll be tortured.
i don't want to be tortured. i don't want any aspect of my life to change. the only thing that i want to change is me.
i'm the one that needs to change. there's so much that's wrong with me. i feel so exhausted all the time, both emotionally and physically.
when my parents tell me to get out of the house, it hurts. i can't say that i don't have enough energy to. all i've done for the past month when i'm home is lay on my bed for hours.
i haven't done anything else. each day feels like it lasts for an eternity. i just lay there motionless, shaking and feeling sorry for myself.
my life could have been so much more than it will be. i used to dream about the future. now i can't even see myself tomorrow.
all i can think about is the past and the longing i have to go back. i have no purpose in this world. the rage, anger, sadness, anxiety and all the other emotions run through my veins.
they tear me apart. i feel like this world is dismantling me molecule by molecule. the pain is unbearable. i'm in constant darkness all the time.
i'm scared that i won't be able to handle much more of this. i'm afraid i'll lash out and go on a rampage. i don't want that to happen. i want these thoughts to go away.
i want to go one goddamned day without thinking about how i'm a disappointment and that i'm better off dead. i can't. i obsess over those thoughts.
there's nothing i can do about them. nobody gives me a second look. i say i'm okay, and that's good enough for them. there's no pushing. nobody cares.
hell, i'm sure there's probably only one person that's going to read this. i feel so alone in the world. i just wish i could donate my life to someone who would put it to good use.
put someone else's soul in me who will actually be a good person. i'm a monster. i've ruined everything i've ever had.
when i woke up earlier i felt a little safer than i did. but i'm out to get myself and i don't know what will happen when i finally catch up to myself.
i don't know what will happen when i find myself. i worry too much. i worry about every fucking thing. i'm worried that i've pissed people off.
i'm worried that i've fucked up everything for myself. i'm worried about what will happen if i tried to get help. i'm worried about what will happen if i don't.
so many worries, and no reassurance. i really wish everything was okay. it's not. this world is fucked. i'm broken. i bleed so much that my room just smells of blood.
i've gotten used to it. i don't know who i can trust anymore. i just feel like everyone has turned against me. i feel like they've turned around to face the sun,
leaving me in the shadows. i don't want to be left behind, but i know it's what i deserve. everything has been my fault. i know it.
i wish i hadn't've hurt other people with my brief tenure on this earth. i've hurt too many people. i need to stop myself. i don't understand anything anymore.
i've made my razorblade dull. there's so many words on my arms and so many slits on my wrists. yet, nobody fucking cares. i don't even know why i'm writing this.
i guess i'm just hoping someone can learn from my mistakes so they don't end up like i will. someday when i'm dead someone will come back here and realize how fucked in the head i was.
i'm sorry, this is all i have to offer.
October 11 2020 [06:20]
Yesterday was okay. I went and stole a road sign, and tbat was honestly about it. While I was driving home, I realized that I need to find a point for my life.
I need to find something to work towards so I'm motivated to stay alive. I can't be distracted by every negative thought I have.
I need to be able to push past those in order to focus on something..positive. I just don't know what to focus /on/. I want to try to focus on positives.
I really want to reach out for help so I don't have to suffer anymore, and I'm sure taking care of this shit would greatly improve my life, yet I don't want to at the same time.
I'm worried about every microscopic detail surrounding the whole thing. I don't want to be treated differently. I don't want to lose all my friends.
I don't want to act differently. I don't want to join some fucking cult ran 'rehabilitation' program (which i will rant about later).
I don't want anything to change, anything except my thoughts that is. I was honestly very close to going out and buying some antidepressants but they're not the answer to my problem.
I need to be the change. I have to fix myself alone. I have to make sure I do it how I want to do it. The problem is that I'm so scared that I can't do it.
I've been told that I need to be the one to step up, but I don't feel comfortable stepping up. I'd rather stay where I am and not risk going out of my comfort zone.
I can't just take pills and be fixed. There'd be side effects, and I'm sure my personality would change greatly.
I just need to wait until I KNOW what's going to happen. I just need to wait. Although. If I do get put into the cult ran 'rehabilitation' program, I'm gonna blow my brains out.
I don't want that. I don't want to be sat down in a room with someone I don't feel comfortable with asking me questions that make me uncomfortable.
I don't want to be involved in that in any fucking way. They believe that depression and all the damned things it stands for is "satan's influence over me"
and that more indoctrination and brainwashing is the only way to fix it. that's. not. true. fuck off with your bullshit and let me seek out a professional please.
I hate my personality. I'm way too obnoxious and loud and I honestly need to just keep my mouth shut more. I don't want to be annoying. I don't want to be noticed.
I just want to blend in to the crowd. That's one thing I NEED to work on ASAP. I annoy the piss out of anyone that isn't my friend,
and that irks me because I don't want anyone to know I exist at all. While I'm on the topic, I really, really wish I had someone that kinda 'feels' the same as I do IRL.
I've ended up with people who backstab me. I end up with people who'll doxx me. I end up with people that stalk me. Each of those people I no longer talk to.
It's not like I can find anyone here like that either. If I lived in my old town there'd be thousands more that I have a chance with. Here, there's only 3000.
Everyone in this fucking town is either not 'right' or way out of my league. I just need to do this shit alone. I need to be lonely. I don't want anyone to know I exist.
I just want to be a shadow. I've been cutting again, but this time it's not lines. It's words. Words like "loser" and "hopeless" and "rift" and "lonely".
I know I need to stop doing that, but for some reason I can't. It's addicting to feel pain. Speaking of pain...hahaha...me. I hate how I look so fucking badly.
What's sad is that I was doing well with self image for a while, up until early August. I relapsed. I started cutting again. I started hating myself again.
I hate every fucking thing about me. I wish I could focus on the positives but it's so hard especially when all I can focus on are things I hate.
I know I'm rambling on and on about the same thing every day, but this is exactly what I think every day.
My brain feels like it's on a constant loop. I'm always thinking about how I hate myself, how I don't deserve life, how everyone always lies to me, everything.
I need to focus on something else, before all the negativity is too much for me to handle, and I feel like I'm getting very, very close to tipping over the edge.
Goddamn. I'd give anything to be a kid again. In my old house, in my old town, in my old school, in my old life. I want my happiness back. It's not coming back.
It will hurt you every day until one day it won't hurt you anymore.
October 07 2020 [17:21]
Hi there. Rift is here to deliver the news. First order of business. I'm no longer sick, so that's pretty 'sick' (i'm sorry i had to).
Seeing as I'm no longer sick, I was able to go to school on monday, and for the rest of this week... until the school gets shut down at the end of this week.
Second order of business. My tyrant against myself has been ongoing for about a week at this point. I'm working on controlling my emotions and words so I don't hurt others.
My website gives me a bad rap. It makes me look like "OH I'M THIS HORRIBLE MONSTER WHO WANTS TO KILL HIMSELF AND OTHERS!!!1!!!" No. That's just simply not true.
I'm not actively trying to kill people on every whim I have to do so. This website is used for me to vent, it doesn't reflect on me perfectly as a person.
I'm tired of having friend requests on my Discord saying that I need to get help. I know. I'm working on it, just give me more time. Thank you.
Third order of business. I ordered the NIN shirt Dylan had on the "Eric walking in Columbine" video. I'm honestly really excited to have another bands' shirt.
About 8 months ago, I really wanted a PS4. I bought 5 PS4 games on eBay. I never did get the PS4, so I sold the games last week. I've sold 3/5 and I've already made my money back.
I lined up a buyer to take the last two for 20 bucks, so I'll end up with a total profit of about 30 dollars, which is honestly insane, and I used that to pay for the shirt.
I've already got my GNR shirt, and the RHCP one as well, and this one is joining the fold. I just have to convince my parents I didn't buy it.
I was thinking of saying that my friend had got the shirt from his older brother who was gonna throw it out or something, they're gullible enough to believe that.
Fourth order of business. School isn't going too well. My grades are slipping, which means my parents' screams at me are getting louder. For example...
Yesterday I had a math quiz. I got a 3/5. Decent score all around, didn't affect my grade hardly at all. I get home after yet another tiring day of school to:
"THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. WE DON'T TOLERATE THESE KIND OF GRADES. YOU KNOW THIS. KEEP THIS UP AND YOU'LL BE GROUNDED, OR EVEN WORSE." Yikes, I know.
For one, I don't give a fuck about my grades anymore. Secondly, they can't ground me. I'll get around it incredibly easy. I'm a little 'crafty' like that.
Thirdly, I'm not scared of anything anymore. Nothing really feels "real" anymore. I was sitting in the school parking lot earlier today.
I suddenly just felt unsettled, like I didn't belong there. It felt so so weird. I felt unwelcome in my own body. (I know I've said that before but this felt real.)
I felt just...weird. It's hard to describe. I don't want to feel that ever, ever again. It was just awkward.
Fifth order of business. I helped a friend cheat on a math test, and the teacher caught her, and she ratted me out. For some reason, the teacher didn't confront me over it.
I was certain she would have, and I had a lie prepared and a story, and everything. Nothing happened. That kinda made me feel sad, but I'm okay with not getting yelled at again.
Alas, with getting let out for two weeks, there's a catch. (of fucking course.) We have to do ZOOM MEETINGS every fucking day! It's bullshit!
What's even more bullshit is that we HAVE TO show our faces THE ENTIRE TIME. I don't feel comfortable with that at all. I hate how I look.
Seeing myself, and everyone else watching me no less makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I asked the teachers if I didn't have to use a webcam. They all said no.
Sixth order of business. This week has felt like it's drug on and on and on forever. I want it to be over so I can go with my friend K to the city.
We're gonna go steal some road signs at Kmart, go to Chick-Fil-A, Apple Store, IKEA, and a bunch more. I'm honestly really excited about that.
I haven't been out of this god-awful town in what seems like years, so I'll gladly go somewhere else. I also want to go to the thrift store, but we'll see if we do or not.
I really want to go to Walgreens and buy some over the counter antidepressants. I know I don't have a diagnosis, but I want to try to fix myself.
Honestly, at this point, I'd do almost anything just to feel like I felt 8 years ago again. I miss being "myself" if you know what I mean, or you don't, whatever.
Seventh order of business. The Minecraft server I used to love is getting shut down. A friend from there told me. I should be sad. I'm not. I'm glad.
I want that point of my life behind me, and all the damned things it stood for. It started out well, but oh boy did it not stay that way.
I want to erase that entire period from my memory. Give me a direct skip from November 18th 2016 to now. I would miss absolutely nothing.
I'd already quit playing there, and this is just a nail in the coffin for them. They've thrown in the towel. I can't tell you how happy I was to hear the news.
I legitimately smiled for the first time in about four months. I'm so, so glad. All the shitty people I met there will finally be behind me. FUCKING FINALLY!!!!
The eighth order of business is short, as I don't give a fuck about it. I had to write an essay on Donald Trump for English. Nothing to say, just thought it was funny.
Anyway, I guess that wraps up the news for today. Tune in tomorrow, or next week, or whenever I update this again to see the latest news, reports on everyone's 'favourite nobody.'
Good night everybody.
October 03 2020 [01:43]
It's 1:43 AM. I would normally be asleep right now. I can't sleep on account of whatever I have. This is a fucking disaster. I am in so much pain that I'd rather die.
It's almost unbearable. What's even "better" is that I can't fall asleep because I can't breathe. I fucking hate myself. I'm such a fucking mistake.
I can't wait to die. It sure felt like I was going to yesterday. At one point it even felt as if I was "walking into the light" but I never made it there.
I don't understand how people can sleep when they're sick. I'm fucking tired, and here I am babbling to myself as a form of entertainment. Disgusting.
My mind is retarded. My heart hurts. My back aches. I just want to evaporate out of this worthless life. I don't have any purpose here. There's nothing I can do.
Oh right. I finished uploading that video yesterday. It's there. I will not be linking it here because it makes me look fucking ugly. I hate how I look.
I wish I could just change my uglyass face. I hate when people look at me. I'm always afraid of being made fun of. I guess that's why I want to fit in so bad.
I don't want people to notice my existance. I've stood out all my life and I'd give anything just to look and be who I want to be. I can't look myself in the mirror.
I can't take selfies hardly ever because I hate how they look. I just wish I was normal. I want to be the status quo so fucking badly. I hate myself.
My life has no purpose other than to be basically a comedy story to everyone else. I hate myself, my "meaning", my life, and my world. I want to change.
I really want to go to sleep, but my worthless ass can't even do that. Ugh. I wish I was just 18 already so I could go fucking kill myself.
I hate living like this. My pain is so hard to come to terms with. I just wish there was one fucking thing that I could control. I can't control anything. I'm useless.
Sometimes I feel like a drone, I'm being ordered around and being told what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. I want to take control of myself.
For starters, I hate how tall I am. I hate that people think I play football. I hate my personality. I hate my voice. I hate how much I weigh. I hate everything.
Why can't I just look like somebody else? I wish I could edit myself like you edit sims in the sims 4. Then I'd be able to be who I want to be. I'd be perfect.
I can't accept who I am. I can't accept being not good enough. I can't accept being worthless. I can't accept being of no use to a single fucking person.
I want to switch my life with someone. I want to know what it's like to be normal. I want to know what it's like to be happy. I want to know how to accept myself.
When I kill myself, I hope nobody finds my corpse. I don't want to be found. I want to just blend in like I've wanted all my life. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know how long I can last before killing myself. I'm on a tipping point, about to spill over the edge. My rage is building, and you don't want to be in my way.
However, I'm still super worried that what I'm feeling is just fake. I don't know how it feels to another person how to feel how I feel.
I want to know if I'm making this up or not. There's some days where I feel like everything is okay, and then there's days like today. I'm afraid that I'm not who I say I am.
I still have urges everyday to either hurt or kill myself, and if I acted on those I have no clue where I'd be. I don't know if I'd be dead or alive.
I don't think I'm going to make it to 2022. I'll find a way out beforehand, assuming I don't screw it up like I usually do. My worthless ass.
Nobody fucking cares. I gave up so long ago and nobody noticed anything. I guess that shows how much of a use I have in this world. I don't have anything.
I can't ever do anything right. I fuck everything up. Everything is always my fault. I make every mistake. I fuck up every opportunity. I ruin everything for myself.
Oh god, this is getting worse. I'm getting a headache and I am so fucking hungry. I wish I could time travel. Get me out of here.
GET ME OUT OF HERE! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
I wish I was a kid again. I wish I didn't have to worry about everything. I just wish I could go watch PBS KIDS...
...without a care in the world. I wish I was still in my old house, with my old friends, in my old town, in my old life. I changed 7 years ago. I'd give...
...anything just to be a kid again. I want that youthful happiness that I had. I wish I was still naive and excited about the world. I wish I was...
...sent all the way back to 2012. I would make sure that none of this ever happened. I would make sure that I don't become the monster I am today. I'd change.
But here we are, 2020. I can't go back in time. I can't be a kid again. I can't change myself. I'm stuck living in this body, in this fucking worthless town,
going to a fucking useless school, learning absolutely fucking nothing, and wanting to die every second of it. I wish I could've changed. I really do.
I'm sorry for writing so much, and I'm sure your eyes are bleeding now, but I still can't sleep, and this has kept me busy for the last 40 minutes.
I'm sure you don't care, and I'm sure you hated reading all of this, but I just needed to let some more of my rage slip out of me before it's too late.
Maybe it already is too late. I've already fucked everything up. I'm such a fucking mistake. I wish I could do one thing right for once. Is that wishful thinking?
i'm such a disappointment. i can't ever do anything right.
October 02 2020 [14:11]
I'm everywhere and nowhere. I own nothing and everything. Today I spent my day recording my life. I even got me coming close to dying, which is fun.
I'm gonna edit that now and I'll post it on YouTube later. In other news, I really, really wish I had someone to talk to about everything IRL.
I want to be comforted. I want..everything. I just wish that someone would finally realize all the pain I'm in. Speaking of pain, I'm sick.
I either have the virus or a cold, but regardless it still makes me want to die. I am fucking miserable. I can't breathe, my throat is sore, everything.
I just wished whatever this damn thing is would put me out of my misery.
October 01 2020 [15:07]
It's weird for me to romanticize my suicide, but I think it'd look kind of cool, well at least I believe that the mental image is kind of cool, at least.
I want to just be laying in the orange, red and yellow leaves, with a hole in my skull, my brain all over, and blood splling onto the ground.
Sure, it's grisly, but it's what I want. Maybe I'll change, but seeing as the last seven years have been slightly less shitty as this one, I don't think it will.
I've been wanting to die for four years, and it seems like each year it gets worse. Seeing how much I'm at right now, I won't last for very long.
I find myself wanting to die more often than it's healthy. Like I want to stop existing but I can't figure out how to do that, and meanwhile I just have to continue living,
which is so hard, mostly because my existence doesn't mean anything to anyone. So, I dont even know why I'm existing, who I'm existing for, what I'm existing for.
That makes it hard to wake up in the morning, because there is no reason to. nobody would care if you didn't, and once you realize that, you're fucked.
Once you realize you're worthless, it's hard to think of anything else.