Journal

If you clicked on this, you're in for it.
Before reading my journal, please read my disclaimer. Thank you.
i just want to leave a record of myself before i blow my brains out.

If you want to read some of my dreams, check out that page. Click Here
If you want to read my opinions on things, check out these pages: things I: Hate or Like


November 19 2020 [18:58]

i'm glad this week is almost over. today was hell for the most part. today, i got tested to see if i have the virus. first, though, i had school. (fuck me right?)
i had a shitload of work to do, as usual. honestly, i've given the fuck up with school. i barely put any effort into it anymore. i just don't care enough to do it.
i've lost all the motivation that i've had to do my work and do it well. i just don't see a point anymore. i'm too tired all the time and i lack energy.
i got on call with jaz, and i was glad to, as it gave me something to do. i'm honestly very greatful that she's there for me to talk to.
i keep saying i'm sorry for my mistakes, and i'm sure it's probably annoying by now, but i really mean it. i really am sorry. i'm glad she listened to my apology. unlike someone.
anyway, at 12pm, i had drove my mom's suv to the school to get tested. i pulled into the parking lot, and parked in a spot. i had to fill out some paperwork n shit.
some lady that looked like lady redundant woman from word girl came out and put the fucking swab thing up my nose. i can't describe how it felt.
it felt super weird, and oddly painful. fifteen minutes later, the test came back, and it was negative. i'm glad that it was negative. that means i can have thanksgiving.
i can finally see my cool cousin for the first time in a few months. i also can see my other cousin's kids, which is really cool. they're so fun.
after i got the test, my nose, as usual, started to bleed. after a few minutes, i went to crank the car, and nothing happened. the battery had died. fuck.
i tried to get a jumpstart from the lady in the yukon on my right, but the cord was too short. so, i had to get a lady in a sequoia to do it for me. that didn't work either.
i ended up melting the cable and setting it on fire. hahaha. so, i put the car in neutral, and pushed it out of the parking lot. i pushed it a solid 100 feet.
problem is, the car is fucking heavy. i really hurt my back. even now, 6 hours later, it's incredibly sore. that really annoyed me.
after i got the car started and drove home, i was told that i had to go help a bunch of other kids rake someone's lawn. i was on voice call the entire time.
the argument between me and my mom lasted the better half of thirty minutes. after a while, she finally left, telling me i was going to be grounded by my dad.
afterwards, i felt really shitty, but i knew that i was being truthful, although i really wished that i could have just died in that exact moment.
doesn't matter, there's a really good chance i'll be dead by april 2022. i've just gotta have a little patience and roll with what's going to be left of my life.
in a surprise, i wasn't grounded. my dad came in to talk to me, and told me that i couldn't have gone anyway because i'm supposed to be quarantined, which is lucky.
i hadn't left my house in 5 days before i went to go get tested. i have a real sensitivity to light, it's kinda weird. it's nearly blinding somehow.
just now, i finished writing an essay on the play 'the crucible.' i didn't put any effort into the essay, but frankly, at this point, i don't give a shit.
all i can think of right now is, of course, cutting. after i cut that word last night, i realized how fucking sharp the newer razorblades are.
the old one would barely do shit when i ran it across my wrist, but with the same effort, the newer ones cut way deeper and actually pulled some blood out.
however, i don't want to cut, at least my forearms, because i want to wear tshirts again. a few days ago, i ordered a mcr black parade shirt, and i want to wear it, damnit!
my back still hurts, and i took two painkillers to combat it earlier. but, i'm tempted to take more because the two i took don't seem to be doing anything.
i just now listened to panic at the disco's 2005 album. that album slaps. if you haven't listened to it before, there's something wrong with you.
anyway, i think that's about it for today's entry. i hope that my back stops hurting. have a good fucking night.



November 18 2020 [20:04]

school has been cancelled for the better half of a week now. i'm losing my god damn mind with each mindless fucking assignment that i have to do. it's pissing me off.
on the 'bright' side, there's a very, very, good chance that i have the virus. my only good friend at school has it, and he sits directly next to me and we often go to lunch together.
i got a letter from the school today that told me that i have to stay inside for two weeks, which isn't a problem for me.
i'm inside almost 24/7 anyway. i have a very sensitive reaction to light. i can't stand being in direct sunlight for too long. it hurts my eyes.
on the bright side, i've got my friend, jaz, voice calling with me nearly every day. she doesn't know it, but those calls have been really helpful for me.
being able to actually openly talk to someone is such a breath of fresh air. i'm really grateful that she was willing to accept my apology.
without someone to talk to, i'd probably be way worse off mentally than i currently am. i cut for the last time 6 days ago. there's a chance it might happen again.
i've been actively trying to avoid that. still, my nose continues to bleed. earlier today, it was really really bad. thankfully, it stopped soon after.
another thing that i've noticed is that my hair gets extremely poofy and curly every time it gets wet. it actually makes me look somewhat nice.
well, nice compared to the 'druggie' i was looking like before. however, that could be tied to the excessive amount of painkillers i was taking at the time.
one really annoying thing is that i'm being assigned a boatload of fucking work. i work fast. still, a mindless writing assignment has absolutely no meaning to me.
i'm not learning anything. i've also been having a really hard time sleeping recently. for the last week, i've woken up at 2-3 am every day, without fail.
i don't understand why. i'm not sure if there's something that's making me wake up, or what. however, today i had a really terrible dream.
well, terrible as in it made me feel terrible. in the dream, i was driving with my family and william osman. we decided to stop at my childhood house.
there, i got a cacophany of memories flooding back to me. in one of them, i, physically was standing by a wooden hutch with a vhs player in it.
on the other side of the room, i saw me as a baby. my mom was playing with me. she told me "i'll always love you." (even as i'm writing this i'm tearing up.)
and needless to say, that made me feel terrible. i don't know what to believe anymore. i don't know if that actually happened, or if i was just making it up so i'd feel something.
over the last four days, i've gotten 25 albums downloaded. i haven't listened to the majority, but i hope they're good. i needed a good shakeup of music.
i've been listening to some radiohead while i wrote this. first, i listened to everything in its' right place from kid a, but now i'm listening to in rainbows.
that album is fantastic. anyway, i think that's all i need to say here. i did etch a word into my bicep about an hour ago, and it stings like a motherfucker.
otherwise, i think i'm actually doing good for once. being able to be open about my feelings with someone that genuinely cares about me is heartwarming.
even for a cold, souless monster like me! anyway, that's it. i'll try to write more here in the coming days, although that might not happen.
i don't want to get blackmailed over this site again by someone i thought i could trust. *cough.* *cough.*



November 16 2020 [14:55]

today hasn't been great. on friday, school got cancelled, and now i have to stay home until december first. on top of that, i got assigned a shitload of busy work to do today.
i can handle that. the problem is the fucking video calls. they give me so much anxiety. i had to go on two calls today, and i barely was able to make it
through the both of them. i hate looking at my fucking face. i don't want other people to see how fucking ugly i am. for the last 5 or 6 days, i've woken up at 2 am,
every day. i don't know why, but its' meant that i've been extraordinarily tired every day. today at 10:20, where other people would be doing work and being energetic,
i was sitting there tired, wishing i could sleep. the problem is, once i'm awake for the day, i can't sleep. i was on call with a friend and her boyfriend for a few hours.
it started out fine, but towards the end, her boyfriend, his brother, and his mom started fighting, which in turn made my friend have a panic attack.
i felt really shitty about that. when people are down, it makes me feel bad as well. i took a 'nap' for twenty minutes...
which was basically me curled up on my bed in complete silence. i woke up, and my friend said she was going to bed. i feel really bad about not catching the message when she sent it.
i feel like the rest of today is going to be very turbulent, to say the least. it's going to consist of me on my bed for the next 18 hours. once it gets dark,
that's when all hell breaks loose. i don't want to end up in a dark pit like i have been. i don't understand why i 'change' so much every time the sun goes down.
i hate myself for that. i wish i could just be normal, but i can't, i'm stuck in this fucking ugly ass worthless body. i don't have much of a use to anyone.
i'm like a weight that just drags people down. i wish i wasn't like that, yet i've tried to change, and where i may seem different at a glance,
i'm worse than i was. i guess it's a relief to be told i'm better than i used to be. i honestly think i'm worse. another thing i hate about myself is how stuck up i am.
i'm not stuck up as in 'i feel better than everyone'. i'm stuck up as 'i'm worse than everyone and they know it, yet put up with me for some reason'.
i don't understand how some people can stand me. i'm annoying, ugly, disruptive, rude, outlandishly brash, and just outright a horrible person.
i don't think i deserve anything i have. i constantly apologize for everything, sometimes multiple times. sometimes i wish i was a different person,
but if i was, that person would have to exist as me now, and i don't want anyone experiencing that. i seem tough and mean from the outside, but inside, i'm soft,
sensitive, and cold. if i get pushed down, i'm not going to try to get back up. i know that it's for the best of everyone that i don't try.
i know that if i turned to go get help with this, then my life would be over. no more friends. no more freedom. no more games. i'll be taken away and locked up.
i don't want to be held at a mental institution. i watched ahs s2. i've seen the people exploring old 50s hospitals. i don't want to go there.
i'm so scared of what will happen to me, that i don't want to do anything. that's not how it should work, yet it is, because i can't predict for shit.
if i got taken to a mental instituion and locked up, i'd lose my god damn mind. i'd claw at anything just to give me a change to get out of that hellhole.
ironically, that's exactly where i am now, although the mental institution that i'm locked in is my mind. i'll just be doubling up on something i already don't want.
there isn't a point in asking. even if i did, i doubt anyone would genuinely stop and help. they'd just continue on with whatever they're doing and won't bat an eye at me.
i gave up on life two months ago, and i don't see it fair to push my problems onto others. i just need to shut the fuck up and listen. i used to be outgoing and bubbly,
and now i'm incredibly soft-spoken and isolated. i don't have a voice. i wanted to be heard, but nobody heard me, so i turned down the stereo.
i really feel like shit right now. i feel broken. i wished this would all come to an end and fix me, but it won't. talking to friends gives me a brief dose of reality,
but after a while i get dunked back into the pool of despair that i came from. i talked about wanting to wear a short sleeve shirt, and i still do. yet,
the devil on my shoulder is whispering in my ear to cut myself. i want to shake him off, but i don't have the effort or motivation. i just have to be alive for 17 more months,
then this can all finally come to an end.



November 12 2020 [13:27]

hey there. it's been a while. i've had to take this site down for about a week because of threats and the sort. that's all taken care of on my end, so i have nothing left to worry about.
the only lasting thing for right now is that i will have to keep my profile disabled for some time, because of said threats.
i'm back now. last night i stayed up way too late waiting to say good morning to a friend, and in the meantime,
i wrote out a more detailed plan that i'm going to use when i kill myself in 2022. i spent nearly an hour on it, and i'm proud to say it's done. these last 6 days have been rough.
i've cut myself on two seperate occasions, forcing me, again, to wear long sleeve shit for weeks. oh well. i was going to again last night,
but i found that my razorblade had gone dull. i got two more, and found a better place to keep them. in addition, i've had very bad headaches over the last few days,
and the bottle of painkillers i keep in my bag are running out. i've been struggling to concentrate, and i've found myself distracted by reading "a mother's reckoning" by sue klebold.
today, i was reading that book, and i just started feeling terrible. ironically, also today, during lunch,
my friend got a fortune cookie that perfectly embodied how i feel: "a day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work." this is very, very true.
i've had to live the last few days worrying about everything, and i'm still convinced that a few things are true, for instance, i still believe that i'm in danger at school,
more now than before, and that a certain friend is pissed off at me for some reason. however, in another twist of fate, one of the lucky numbers on the back is /my/ lucky number: 19.
i got home early from school today to work on my online math class. on the way home, the first song that really got me into music came on: "fake you out" by twenty one pilots' 2013 album.
i started singing along, not listening to what i was saying at first. then, as i was going 70mph in a 50, i started to listen.
i first heard this song back in early 2016. me and my former best friend were on our way home from a school field trip. his mom had been helping, and drove us home.
on the way, and i know exactly where on the highway it was, my friend looked over to me. "hey, let's play a game."
his game was asking me to pick a number from 1-4 (the number of albums out at the time).
i picked 3. that's vessel, their 2013 album. afterwards, he told me to pick from 1-12. i picked 9. this selection landed me on fake you out. he started playing the song.
i immediately noticed the beginning bit, and it reminded me of a vintage video game. at the time, i was really into 8-bit gaming, and actually had my own youtube channel where i played games.
i pointed this out, but didn't pay much attention to it after that part. when i was driving home today, that song came on, and i actually listened to the lyrics.
this song, that i found four years ago, still resonates with me, it's got this connection that nothing else has. each line has a different meaning to my life.
these are a few, as i don't feel like spamming the page with the lyrics: "i want to drive away, in the night, headlights call my name."
i resonate with this line because of my longing for a road trip with someone that i love. i've had that fantasy since 2019, and yet it'll never happen.
"i, i'll never be, be what you see inside." this line means a lot to me. the main 'view' i see behind it is me, telling myself that i won't be what my parents see in me.
i won't live up to the expectations they have for me. "you say i'm not alone, but i am petrified" i'm always being told that people are there to help me, to support me.
yet, i feel alone, and scared. i'm scared of almost everything, and having people there won't make that go away. "you say that you are close, is close the closest star?"
this one applies to my friends. they say they're close with me, yet they never do anything with me outside of school. i'm told that i'm a "homie", yet nothing ever happens.
they're not close to me at all. none of them are. one more. "i'm so afraid of what you have to say, 'cause I am quiet now, and silence gives you space" this line hit me hard once i noticed it.
it perfectly shows my fear of talking too much. i've ruined two relationships because i wouldn't shut the fuck up and stop complaining.
i've learned since then, that i need to avoid talking about myself too much, or else i end up in the perpetual cycle of being scared when i get notifications.
this song really stuck with me, and it's weird to me that /the/ song that got me into music, ended up being the one that stuck to me the most, even if i didn't realize it.
in conclusion, i apologize i had to hide my site away for a while, but i've taken care of what i can, and i'm back now for the most part. have a good fucking day.



November 04 2020 [15:19]

today i've felt extremely empty. soulless, in a way. i've felt like a drone, i guess is another way to say it. i blew my way through school, not really paying attention to shit.
i failed another test. i don't care anymore. i genuinely have absolutely no feelings towards school that keep me motivated anymore. i've given up.
i don't feel like i'm good enough for this world. i feel like everyone is better than me. i'm a horrible person. i'm rude, annoying, manipulative,
attention-seeking, retarded and different. i know i've ruined a lot of things. there's some things that i wish i could go back and change. it's too late for that.
i apologize for everything that i've done. it was all my fault, and i own up to that. i feel like i don't belong here. i can't help but be nervous that
people are pointing and laughing when i don't expect it. school was the last thing that i truly put any effort into doing. the part of me that felt like that is gone.
i put up a face that i'm easygoing, that i love to laugh, that i love jokes, all these normal things. sometimes, i genuinely feel like that. others,
well, let's just say i don't. i think way too much. i often find that i psych myself out and get into my head. i tell myself things that i wish weren't true.
physically, i'm here, but mentally, i'm lost in my own thoughts. each word is a tree in the endless dark forest that i walk through,
as i search for something to use as a light so i can see. i don't feel like i have a crutch to lean on anymore. everything i used to genuinely care about has been chipped away.
my appearance, my voice, my personality, even about 95 percent of my friends. i don't have the effort. i don't feel motivated to do anything unless i'm pushed to do it.
i've given up on so much, i feel like i have nothing left to lose. i've been listening to colonies by m83 for the last hour. what you hear in that song is how i feel inside.
i feel like nothing. there's no thoughts. this song is what i want to hear the instant i die. i want peace. my life has been tumultuous.
i deserve some peace before i pass on. sorry for the depressing post, i just feel horrible. i'm back. 5 hours later. it's dark now. i'm getting those thoughts again.
i'm thinking that i truly don't have any worth on this earth. i keep thinking everyone is better off without me. i keep thinking i'm better off dead.
these would just be brushed over, but i'm somehow convincing myself that they're true. i genuinely don't matter. i have no purpose to continue living.
i've been laying here for the past 32 minutes just researching. i've looked for bridges closest to me, highway overpasses, remote mountain areas, the sort.
meanwhile, that bottle of painkillers and my razorblade sound really good right now. i'm going to try my hardest to just stop thinking about those.
i can't stop seeing myself taking the entire bottle of pills, getting a plastic bag, gunning it in my truck to get the fuck away, and dying.
a variation of that scenario keeps looping in my head. i keep seeing myself jumping off an overpass, or hanging in a tree, or dead, sprawled out on the ground.
i know that suicide isn't the best option, but i feel like i'm out of options. i've tried everything i can do myself. my brain can think some twisted shit.
i've been told that cutting myself is ..."part of getting better." i don't know what the real message behind that quote is, but i know how i'll interpret it.
what's funny, is that i was told that i was cared for, but no little than two weeks later i was being told to kill myself. oh well. goodnight.



November 02 2020 [00:04]

*cue the jazz music, this one is weird and somewhat emotional*
there was a time when it was perfectly acceptable for me to be in that position. i was comfortable with that, i could handle it. although, things changed, and i know that it wasn't me,
and it had to happen. sometimes the memories of the past flood my mind, and i wonder how i was able to handle being myself. when i look back,
i realize. it wasn't my fault. it was completely out of my control. some people can be manipulative motherfuckers. finding one was the least of my worries.
i had already found one. i look back at the past fondly. i look back with a sense of acomplishment. at the same time, i look back with anger and distaste.
sometimes, i sound like i'm lying to myself about everything. when i peel back the curtains, i can see the truth. i can see past everything,
and get the bigger picture. it wasn't helpful. it hurt. it all happened on a whim, and it wasn't my fault. it was supposed to be my fault. it wasn't my fault.
i didn't do anything wrong. i was sent to solitary confinement. the hours i'd spend in my trance like state, are horrific. i couldn't open my eyes and see the truth.
i never took the time. i always backed myself up to save myself from myself. the amount of change wasn't noticeable at first, but i came to see it with my own eyes.
i had already heard it with my own ears. the albums. i'd already seen it with my own eyes, the visual works. i can't experience them anymore.
it wasn't my fault this happened, it was because of words. words hurt people. words hurt me. i did nothing wrong. alone, i'm more free than i was.
i'm comfortable being alone. listening to the voices for hours makes me want to cry. i don't feel safe there. change is relative. the voices may have said they'd changed,
the hours of murder. the hours of screams. the days spent reaping souls. it was almost relaxing. it temporarily blinded me from the truth.
the truth is melancholic. it's not what i want to hear, but i know it's true. i lived through it myself. the voices preach what they've been manipulated into saying.
but deep down, they know what they truly represent. lies. deceit. it's a sham. none of it really exists. it's all a fabrication. it's being simulated
into my mind to cloud out my judgement. it worked for a few months. i cleared my mind and saw my way past the frontend. it was a lie. i did what i had to do.
i cut that piece of my brain out of me. i left it to shrivel up and die. yet, it came roaring back to life. i have to kill that part of me to survive.
it's my decision, and i know it's the right one. without concrete proof of change, nothing is real. i can't believe something that doesn't exist.
that's what religion is for. trust is relative. it belongs to a person. when that is ripped away, there's nothing left. when everything is ripped away, there's me.
ripping myself away led to my self-destruction. the tears in my skin were caused by the blades formed by words. each cut represented a resentment towards it.
each thought my mind conjured was a direct reaction to what had happened before. i knew i was broken. i was like a broken toy. someone used to love me.
then, one day, i stopped working how that someone wanted. they noticed. they tossed me in the trash. i was left in there to rot. i was left there for 5 months.
the freedom that fresh air brought from my release was nearly emotional. i emerged from my cocoon with self-awareness. i knew what the lies were.
i knew everything. i channeled all of my energy, all my wrath, into one thousand, two hundred, sixty-three words that echoed my horrors. i spent hours reliving my nightmares.
the voices would constantly echo in my head. i had to end this. the only way to end it, was to seal up my message, drop it, and run.
that's exactly what i did. the voices still followed, echoing my previous ailments. i shut them out for thirty-seven days. they roared back to life.
the voices need to take a break. they need to smell the rozes. they can't. their mouths can't sense when something genuine is in front of them.
i realized this. i shut them out. i cut them off. the voices no longer echo in my mind. if i tried, i couldn't hear them. freedom was never so close to my grasp.
reconciliation was a mistake. i don't want those voices to return. i'm better off without them. they don't know that. they can't see deeper meaning.
they take it all at face value. that's where they falter. they break apart. they shred everything they had in favour of something that's not true. open your eyes.
see past the lies. the truth is clear. it's hard to swallow. take it with some monster energy drinks. swish it down. take the pill and receive the knowledge of the truth.
fix yourself, then we'll talk. the best method is over electronic mail. i live at my address. i don't check my mailbox often. should the message be decoded
by the audience it was intended, i mean no harm. facts are facts. send a letter my way should the true genuine affection that left your vessel return.
there is a chance it will be received with open arms. there is a chance it will be tossed out with the trash, as the last one was. there's only one way to find out.
i know what return address to look out for. be sure to stamp your letter. include nothing about our favourite flower. i want to hear nothing about it.
if the message sent is actually decoded, my surprise will be immessurable. i intend for it to never be found, as the effort simply doesn't exist. oh well, i don't mind.
it's not my fault everything was found. i didn't go out of my way to find where i lived and all that shit. that wasn't on me.
the blame falls onto someone else, and i know exactly who it is.



November 01 2020 II [22:01]

consider this entry experimental. i'm going to try to imagine something in my mind. more specifically, the place that i want to go after i'm dead.
i want to create my own world from the ground up. i want it to be on a normal daylight cycle, i also want it to be on a normal seasonal schedule. spring will be both chilly and warm.
i want beautiful flowers growing all over. summers would be pleasant, with warm days and equally warm nights, but not too warm or too cold. fall,
would be beautiful. red, orange, and yellow leaves falling from the trees, onto the pavement and the street, before they get swept away by the wind. winters will be snow.
no ice. just snow. piles of it all over, but doesn't melt like it normally would until spring. i want my world to be an island. there would be many things on my island.
i want a mountainous area, full of pine trees, cabins, ski slopes, mountain roads, and beautiful trees. i want a flatland, some of it farmland,
with dense forests with no undergrowth, abandoned houses and cars littering the forest. i want a suburban neighborhood. not just any neighborhood,
the one i grew up in. hell. i'll take the entire city. i want to spend my eternity living in the one place where i felt happy. i find that fitting.
i would love the more dense part of the city to have the atmosphere of london. packed buildings, dense streets, and beautiful scenery. i want my world to be in my control.
if i want it to rain, i'll make it rain. if i want it to be night, i'll make it night. i don't want people that i don't choose there.
i want to live out my existence surrounded with the people i want. if i want something, i want to be able to just think about it, and be able to receive it.
if i want to teleport, i can. i want food and water to not be required to live. i want gasoline not to exist, and cars won't require maintenance.
i want a long, winding highway through redwood and pine trees, the town of gravity falls, with cabins and fire outlook towers dotting it. i want long,
warm beaches with soft sand that i used to play in as a kid. i want there to be no disasters, like fire, lightning strikes, tsunamis, droughts, anything. i want on the beach,
connected to the main road, a pier. a pier that has a myriad of shops, and carnival rides on it. i want the city to be a combination of london and denver.
i want to visit columbine high school, and all the surrounding places. i want my island to have the same geometrical data of denver and my home town.
same designs, but i want to combine them and decide what goes where. i want part of the island to have beautiful cherry trees, where i can go to relax for days.
i would love to have a beautiful ski resort, similar to the one in the game 'we ski and snowboard'. i want to be able to change my age,
and i want to be able to be skinnier and nicer looking than i am now. i want to be able to drag fictional characters into my world. people like violet harmon,
and everyone from s1 of ahs. charlie, patrick and sam from the perks of being a wallflower. give me greg heffley, rodrick heffley, and their family.
i want cal and andre from zero day. i want jake and elwood blues, and the rest of their band. the entire baby driver cast. everyone involved in teotfw. wayne's world,
back to the future, all of them. i want to be able to drag in real people as well. people who are both still alive and dead. i want ted bundy, everyone from waco,
eric rudolph, tim mcveigh, jeffrey dahmer, eric, dylan, all their victims, pekka-eric, jeff weise, nik cruz, and all their victims. all of them.
i want them all in my world. i want to be able to have an unlimited access to music. i want to play a song on 'loudspeaker' wherever i want. i could play a song from the past,
or a song that's yet to come. i would force laws down that i myself would have to abide by. laws like no death, no killing, no anger, no hunger,
no thirst, no dark thoughts, everything i want will be controlled by me. i would have control over my perfect world. everyone would be an angel.
i want the countryside of the uk mixed with the styles of homes back in the 1980s. i want stacks of trailers like from ready player one.
i want the city of "avalon" to become a part of it. i want my island to be huge, and to be able to added on to or changed should needs be. i want an airport.
a 1980s mall, full of shoppers. i want to control "artificial intelligence". i want to have control over what "robot" people show up where. i want to be able to fly.
i want my own wings and halo. i want to join the stars. i want to be able to go on a hot air balloon ride. i want to be able to do anything i want in my little world.
i would design it so i could be happy. i would adapt it to fit my needs. i want to have a long highway system. i want a subway. i want overground trains.
i want airships. i want beautiful scenery, peaceful animals, everything. i want canals like the ones in denmark, with the outstanding bridges of san francisco.
i want a beautiful racetrack. i want baseball diamonds and basketball courts. i want to be able to watch bioshock's columbia glide through the air,
with unsc ships from halo above it. i want to see the hindenburg, the twin towers, oj simpson's chase, every single event i've ever wanted to see.
i want to experience concerts of 15000 people. i want to have car shows in kmart parking lots. i want malls full of people, just like fast times at ridgemont high.
i want bill and ted to lead a group of historical figures through the mall, and then back to columbine for their report.
i want to combine everything i love into one place. i want the elevated roads and trains of chicago in the 1970s alongside california in the 1990s. i want seagulls to fly,
i want dolphins and seals to swim. i want everything to be peaceful. i want to go on a road trip to my dream college. i want to go to a 1990s mcdonalds.
i want to experience what it was like to go to a airport in the 1990s, to see carriers like pan am and twa alongside delta. I want to be able to meet everyone i've ever admired.
i want to have friends who genuinely care about me. i want to be able to telepathically communicate with people. i want to be able to watch movies in a 1950s style drive in theater.
i want to eat at a 60s diner, perhaps the one from baby driver, mixed with the one from teotfw. i want to go on my dream road trip with someone i truly love.
i want to listen to tunes in a 1978 ford pickup truck while i drive through tunnels and through pretty sunsets on our way to the destination.
i want to live in the 1990s forever. i want to experience the time that i was born too late to experience. i want to go back to the last time the world was okay.
i want all that i love to be combined into my world that i can control however i want. i want to go there right now. i just have to prepare myself.
i hate the world. my world will end, and the world that i want to experience will come. one day, i will gain the courage to go there.



November 01 2020 [05:59]

whoop-de-fucking-doo. it's november. 60 more days until the end of this fucking year. yesterday wasn't amazing. i spent about 12 hours just reading blogs and shit about columbine.
i sorted all the pictures i have, read documents, all that shit. honestly, that's kinda weird, even for my standards. i didn't really do anything yesterday,
at least from what i remember. it all feels like a blur. i can't remember anything between 10 and 5 pm. i don't remember if i had lunch and if i did
i don't remember what i had. i can't remember basically any of that. i carved a pumpkin around 5 pm, but even that is blurry and i can't imagine it in my mind.
i think i had a shower, but again, can't remember. i remember that for dinner i had some pop tarts but i put them in for way too long and ruined them,
so i ended up not having anything. damn, my memory really is turning to shit. i can't remember shit that i did less than 10 hours ago. i don't even remember
most of what i did last week. if someone walked up to me and asked about last week, i don't know what i'd say. i'm glad that october is over. it was better
than september, august, july, june, may and april, but not by very much. still way far off from where i want it to be. i can blame china for all this shit.
it's their fault some dumbass decided to eat a motherfuckin bat. it's their fault they denied this shit and didn't contain it. it's their fault we're in this
god damn mess in the first place. fuck you china. fuck you and your winnie the pooh lookin ass leader. you no good egotistical lyingass pricks. go choke on a chode.
anyway. i'm sad that it's sunday. that means i can't do shit. i wanted to go to lunch or dinner with a friend yesterday, but of course, that didn't happen.
nothing really ever seems to go my way, which makes snese i guess. i kinda really wish that this life could just end already.
i'd like to go to a place where i can be what i want and do what i want to do. if i could live in infinince happily over this life, i'd take that in a heartbeat.
i feel broken, like i don't belong anywhere. i always feel like people are always looking at me, watching me to see me fuck up over and over and over.
it would be ideal if they all minded their own fucking business. i barely go anywhere ever just because i don't want to be watched by anyone.
my dream has always been to just blend in and never be noticed. i can't have that if i'm always being watched like a fuckin hawk. leave me the fuck alone!
sometimes i wonder if there's someone who watches me not because i'm a 'facinating specimen' but because they genuinely like me. god. i wish that was true.
if just one person actually liked me. that'd be really cool. it'd probably make me feel less of a jackass. i'd know how it feels to be accepted by someone, finally.
i know that it's not true, though. of course it's not true. nobody gives a fuck should i live or die. my dream has partially come true, i guess.
nobody cares enough to really dig deep and see what's going on. i guess that's good for me because nobody should care about me. i don't really deserve it.
whatever. it won't matter for much longer, or so i hope.
oh. by the way. i went ahead and put all the shit i wrote into its' own page again.
i'm sure nobody cares but if someone does, you know where to find it.





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