i convinced myself during my 3rd class today that i was gonna kill myself tomorrow after school. i wrote a note and everything. while i was sitting here, i decided against it for now. it's not the right time. i didn't ignore anything. i'm very aware of everything. i want to trust you, but i can't. if you want to talk to me, go ahead. prove to me that i can trust you. if donald trump wins this election i'm going to be so fucking pissed. when i die i'm going to record a cassette i'm going to read off my note i'm going to talk to a few of my friends then i'll go and i'll go to the place of my dreams that i've been longing for so long today i had a math test that nobody knew about i really hope that i did good on it if i didn't i'm gonna go crazy again i don't want that to happen i don't want to get yelled at either i love how nobody reads any of this shit nobody bothers to ever reply noone has liked any of my updates i guess that's understandable i need to die when i'm dead i wish people would be sorry nobody will be nobody gives a shit i'm too obnoxious i'm too ugly i'm too different i just need to die i hate when it gets dark because it takes my mind with it i don't want to live anymore there's no point in living if you're as miserable as me i'm sat here, debating whether or not to od on pills i'm genuinely considering it at this point i've said i've wanted to die before but i never had the guts to go through with it right now i'm broken and the bottle of pills in my drawer is so enticing to me i don't know if i can do it what will happen if i fuck it up what will happen if i don't i'm so terrified i don't want to get help anymore. i can do this on my own. i don't need a damn counselor to do this shit for me. fuck off. i'm doing it myself. i don't give a shit if i got reported whoever reported me doesn't know what they're talking about. i'll fix my fucking brain. i won't be a maniac. i don't know what i want anymore. i need to learn to accept myself for what i am i need to learn that i cant always be right. i need to learn that its okay to be wrong. we just watched a suicide prevention video in school. its not going to work. it made me feel worse about myself. thats what this week has been like. everything has been my fault everyone fucking hates me i feel broken. i feel hopeless. whats the point. i'm so fucking retarded i should just give up on everything nothing is ever good enough my standards are too high i'm trying my best i'm ready to end my life i'm tired of being me i want something to change i just don't have the motivation ironic. hahahaha. i'm such a fucking mistake. i ruin everything for myself. i should just shut the fuck up and stop bothering everyone else. nobody gives a fuck. i need to learn to realize that. WHY WON'T THIS DAMN MIGRAINE GO AWAY?? IT'S BEEN HERE FOR 5 FUCKING HOURS!! GO AWAY!! i wish i didn't have to worry about everything. today has been honestly terrible. i fuck everything up all the time it's always my fault. every time. i need to stop bothering to care about myself. i don't deserve it. I hate my life. There's so much shit that I want to change. I can't do anything about it. I've tried. I want to be normal so damn badly. I can't do that because I'm just so worthless. I want to end it all, but at the same time I don't. I just want to wait and see if anything ever gets better. You will remember my name. For about a month I've been wondering what I'd look like dead. What would my corpse look like with a hole in my brain? It's kinda disturbing but morbidly intriguing. I've always wondered how I'd look sprawled out on the ground. How would I land? Would I fall forwards instead? So many questions...curiosity has got the better of me. I really want to find out one way or the other. Recently I've been motivated to start exercising. Today was my second day of trying. I actually did a lot better today than yesterday. That actually kinda excites me. One day, I will kill myself, and everyone will be sorry. They'll see the signs, the texts, the posts... They'll see all that they missed about me. They wished they could have stopped me. Guess what? Once I'm determined there's no stopping me. Next month I need to try to stop updating the site so often, probably pisses the majority of you off. My legs feel like they're gonna explode, they're so sore. I can't barely walk and going down stairs sends shards of pain to my brain. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so fucking weak? Nothing feels real, everything doesn't feel like it exists. I feel like I'm in some sort of simulation. Nothing I do matters. None of my actions have consequences. I want to know what's real. I want to feel something. My sister just told me she doesn't like when I'm happy, gee, thanks. Sorry for the update spam I was fixing some shit i update this site too much. I just love catching a typo on my site and hoping that nobody's seen it Why the hell are my fingers so fucking fat Man, I just love the smell of cigarette smoke on a saturday night I want to get a nin sticker for my truck i miss you. edit: no i dont I hate how fucking fat i am lmao i'm so lonely Why is it that every time I try to sleep earlier I'm still tired? bullshit! I hate how damn fluffy my hair is. WHY DON'T PEOPLE USE THE RIGHT YOU'RE? LEARN HOW TO ENGLISH! Why is W called double U if it's really double V? USE YOUR DAMN TURN SIGNALS YOU INBRED MORONS! I hope peegirl is okay... Excluding depression and anxiety, what the hell else is wrong with me? When I kill myself do you think anyone will actually remember me? I should follow more people on here. I'm just too scared of getting out of my comfort zone. I hope these cuts heal soon. I kinda regret them now. Why the hell do people not comment in my guestbook? It's there for a damn reason!